I’ve been working in PhotoShop, but I can’t seem to finish the last piece before I finish my new collection of artworks – The Lava House. There’s something I have to go through first. A process. I have to figure something out. In the meantime, I am experimenting with an older piece I never finished. I don’t know where I am going with it yet. It is a strange and complex story in there.
I’ve been painting all day. “THE WOUND” will be finished in a few days.
I am spending my mornings at a local media agency to study and learn about graphic design. It is definitely something that feels like second nature to me. My life is changing in so many ways and I have a hard time adjusting to the new flow and rhythm. I feel anxious and stressed at times. But I know it’s just a matter of time until I’ll be able to relax in it. I haven’t had time to make art in a few days, I am simply too tired. Can’t wait to go back to painting again. I am spending way too much time in front of the computer anyway. I need to get my hands dirty. I want to feel really sweaty and messy.
Last week, I began working on a new piece (Det Gula Huset | The Yellow House) – and it will be first digital collage with poetry in Swedish. It has been a difficult piece for me to make, highly emotionally charged and uncomfortable to think about. It is about how I felt caged in the house in Stockholm (a yellow house). Since I started working on this piece, I haven’t had anymore nightmares about going back there. So I guess the discomfort is worth it. I am getting good closure.
My life in the yellow house has been a mystery to me. It has taken me a lot of time to figure it all out – and I am not sure if I will ever completely understand it. Why did I lose myself in that house, to the point where I didn’t even know if I would be visible to others if I left it? The relationship at the time felt so comfortable but at the same time it was like torture. I describe it as being “comfortably numb”, which to me is torture since I am naturally so full of life and fire, never numbing anything.
Since the day I started working on the yellow house piece, I have had a severe pain in my tummy and I have felt low. I guess it is affecting me even physically. What a strange thing. Luckily, only a few pieces affect me this way. My recent work has been very personal, perhaps more than anything I’ve ever done before. I am giving everything I have to these two new collections of works. I surrender completely. I need to get it all out of me so I can leave all the emotions stored away (in my tummy?) and locked in painful memories.
Three years ago I left the yellow house in Stockholm. But now I am leaving it again somehow. I believe houses can be haunted but I never understood the power of a house that is haunting you.
I woke up to these lines, in a message from Johnny:
So many good things are happening right now. I am working on two art shows at the same time, I have a writing project in the making, I am making progress in therapy – and spring is finally here. I am also about to start a short term internship at a web agency, because my job coach thinks I would be an amazing art director but I am lacking the necessary experience.
Work in progress, “The Dance Of Death”:
But the best thing I have going right now is, without out a doubt, my relationship with Johnny. The home we are building together is a source of a happiness I’ve never felt before. Every day I wake up to his messages (with a 9 hour time difference) and it is suddenly my favorite day ever. When I am taking my daily walks and feel the sunshine on my face, I can’t help feeling like my heart is shining even brighter.
I am completely into the flow of my creativity and I am working on 10 digital pieces and paintings at the same time. But I am not stressed, I feel better than I have in a very long time. So many problems have been solved. I am free from distractions and fears at the moment. It’s just me and my creativity – and Johnny for one hour a day during the weekdays when he’s at lunch. It’s all I need to keep moving forward.
This must be one of the strangest beginnings of a digital piece ever. I am intrigued but I have no idea where I am going with this. It’ll possibly be the first collaboration pieces with Candice Angelini, but I’m not sure yet, I have to see where this takes me first. I’m deep into the forest of my imagination right now…
Watch my work-in-progress video for my latest painting “THE CORE” (and yes that’s my eerie voice)
This is the best way to spend my birthday!
Work in progress.. I’m just experimenting with how I can paint with hi res images of flowers instead of paint. I’m also studying Dutch still lifes from the 17th century.
When I am working with my art – or anything creative – I am only interested in finding powerful and strong expressions. I always start with the eyes – if there’s no genuine expression in the eyes or if they lack intensity, I won’t finish that piece and I just move on to another project. As soon as I start to compromise my vision, I end up feeling lost – and when the creativity turns into a struggle I lose the joy of being part of it. Sometimes it feels like starting a new painting on a blank canvas is like taming a beast (the canvas being the beast of ‘nothingness’ or something dead and empty).
I’ve always disliked a blank space – especially an empty white space. My desire is to fill the void, to make an expression, a statement, to tell a story and to create meaning where there seems to be no meaning at all. perhaps that’s why I like to fill the white canvas with a dark background. The darkness can hold all kinds of secrets within that black space – but something all white -without any hope of details inside, really creeps me out.
My art is extremely personal and even though I don’t use my own face in my Lolita demons, they are all part of me and my fears, my rage, my pain and my inner voice. They are all self portraits in a way.
Sperm Wounds is my rage, Scrollan is an expression of the helplessness I’ve felt in my past, Stigmata is about my physical hell.
The stories I share in my art, lays in the emotional expressions of my demons – especially visible in the eyes, smile and body language. The portraits are simple in the compositions, there aren’t many details in the background, if any at all. But if you make eye contact with the characters, you will find endless shades of emotions and details in there.
Through my stories and artistic expression, you get to share my emotions and the memories of humiliation, sadness and horror – and what it’s like to be a human soul in a world where heaven and hell are both centered inside our minds and hearts – and also outside ourselves.
In every corner of life.