My new painting is finished! I put a lot of work into it and I feel great. This piece is very personal and has a lot of emotions mixed into it.
Here is what the first draft looked like:
My core expression is always found in simplicity, clarity and in the raw, captured emotions i wish to express.
Writing in my new diary, the book of wrath, is truly liberating. And when was the last time I did something creative just for my own pleasure? I’ve become so used to the idea of publicly displaying all my innermost feelings and thoughts that the lines between what is private and public have become blurred and distorted. Keeping a secret journal is good practice. I can see how I have used wrath in my art as an outlet, but it’s always mixed with fear, like in my painting The Virgin from 2010. From now on, I want to separate the two emotions.
I don’t like the fact that I am still so mentally fragile and sensitive to external negativity – but I have to accept that this is who I am right now and I know exactly why I’ve become so sensitive. It is not my fault. The same thing happened last summer when there was a wave of rape cases and sexual assaults, here in Sweden. It really got to me. That is when I made the two digital pieces about rape (The Little Man and Bones of Rape).
But I believe that once I’ve found the voice to my wrath and anger, it will be easier for me to deal with external dark energies. I don’t have as thick skin as other people. Just look at my paintings and you’ll see vulnerable layers of melting skin, rashes, open wounds and exposed nerves.
What I need is thicker skin and I think that’s exactly what I am working on right now with my new diary and being aware of how other people are treating me. The lack of rage and wrath has left me too vulnerable, too much of an easy prey for narcissists and abusive personalities. Once I am able to get really, really mad when I need to, instead of suppressing anger and becoming depressed and sad – I will be unstoppable in my creativity as well. I have a good confidence, but my self-esteem is still pretty shitty. I can’t wait to be able to throwing tantrums in the heat of the moment instead of keeping it all locked up inside and exploding hours later when I am all by myself and it’s too late to stand up for myself. It will be the crowning achievement when it comes to overcoming the traumas of my past.
Sanpaku is a Japanese term meaning “three whites,” and is generally referred to in English as “sanpaku eyes” and refers to eyes in which the white space above or below the iris is visible.
I have always been fascinated with eyes. It is the place where I connect or feel disconnected to other people. And it is the most important element in my art. I always start out with the eyes, working my way from there like they are the gravity of the piece. The eyes is the heart of my portraits.
You can see the raw emotion I am going for, concentrated in the eyes. Madness. Fear. Rage. Horror. I love exploring these emotions through the eyes, especially eyes with three whites visible instead of the normal two. These eyes are called Sanpaku eyes, where three whites are visible; extra white below iris (yin) which comes from a long-term pressure of feeling inferior or from stress – or extra white above iris (yang) which is an indication of a manic, psychotic state, superiority or madness.
When I was abused – I got to know the yang sanpaku eyes up close, and how they got dark, almost black right before I was attacked. It was scary. Perhaps that is one reason why I work with “crazy eyes” in my art, as a way to deal with the memories.
These eyes can be so intense, yet so distant, like they are looking right through you. I read a theory about yang sanpaku eyes – which is seen in many killers and psychotic people – that their sanpaku eyes is an indication of how lost they are in their own imagination. When you are using your “inner eye” and the imagination is activated, you open your eyes wider. Try it. Look in the mirror and let your imagination take over, you will see extra whites around iris. It’s hard to catch yourself daydreaming, but try to study other people who are daydreaming and watch their eyes expand. It could be that killers and psychotic people, who have a deeply distorted sense of reality are so lost in it, and in that “daydream state” all the time. It’s just a theory but an interesting one.
Notable examples of people with yang sanpaku eyes:
I will make more research about sanpaku eyes and about how eyes can tell stories about our hearts and minds. I want to get even better at capturing the essence of madness, rage, fear and horror in my art. I never want to be too obvious, I prefer strong yet subtle expressions. That’s what makes it such a fun challenge.
I end this post with my favorite sanpaku girl – Laura Bush (perhaps just in one unfortunate photo).