I am fighting this overwhelming feeling of fatigue, but I am obviously failing. I think I just have to surrender and stop fighting it. Perhaps I’ve been pushing myself too hard to get back into my routines of creativity and making art. I will try to be more patient and wait it out. I need to rest and stay away from any kind of pressure – especially if it’s coming from myself.
The photo shoot at the haunted hotel is less than a week away. I can’t wait. However it’s the first time I’m doing a photo shoot where I’m mimicking the method of my collaboration with Domenique; coming up with a story, creating characters, planning appropriate make up, costumes and attitudes. The biggest difference this time is that I have to do everything myself. Domenique was a make up artist and a stylist – I am neither. It makes me a little nervous. But if I succeed, I won’t feel as dependent on Domenique anymore.
I’ve spent this weekend trying to sort things, clean and organize my stuff so I can get rid of a lot of furniture – and make room for new ones. I have always loved to get rid of things, it’s more satisfying to me than to go shopping for new stuff. I love the process of change. It feels refreshing and hopeful.
I have a clear vision of how this apartment will look like, once I’m done with all the changes. It will take me a few months until it’ll match my vision. I guess I am being pretty creative after all…
It is early morning and I am on my way to work. I feel so tired – will I ever have enough energy to be creative when I get home after work? This bothers me a little. I am being sucked into real life (into the hamster wheel) and all I can do is hope that the essence of who I am won’t disappear in there.
You sacrifice your freedom to make money, in order to buy freedom because the real freedom makes you limited in this society. It’s messed up. I am not OK with this philosophy but I have no other choices right now. I miss my freedom of having time. But I don’t miss the stress and the constricted feeling of constant worrying about money.
As soon as I’ll have more energy, I will do everything I can do recreate the freedom that I miss, by starting making some real money on my art. That is my goal. This is just a little detour on my path. I know where I am going. I know what I want. And all I want – is my own definition of freedom.
I have so many different projects in motion at the same time so I haven’t had any time to write anything substantial here in a while. But I will have more time on my hands as soon as some of the projects are over. I have blogged almost every day for 11 years and what I’ve learned is that it is hard to maintain a daily flow of posts when you have so many other things going on simultaneously. I am doing the best I can.
At the moment I am busy with planning the photo shoot at the haunted hotel later this month – and looking for new pieces of furniture for me and Johnny. My apartment is small so it’s a challenge to make it work. I probably have to give up about 40% of my furniture to make room for new ones. I haven’t had the money to buy things, in at least five years. The pieces I have now is a sad collection of many broken relationships and old homes. It is like a scrapbook of different decorating styles and versions of myself. I am gonna get rid of the red IKEA couch I bought last summer, it is awfully uncomfortable – and perhaps I’ll buy a couch from my work (with a juicy discount of course). I am thinking about getting this couch together with this rug (bohemian chic style). It would look something like this:
But I am not sure would fit in here, perhaps it’ll be too crammed. I don’t want to move to a bigger place right now, because my rent is ridiculous cheap, so I have to make the most of what I’ve got.
I am feel anxious about transitional times like this. I get restless and frustrated and want the change to happen now, now, now. I have to keep in mind what my therapist used to say: “patience is the key to a balanced life”.
I just want to decorate my new life and create a beautiful home for me and Johnny. We both really deserve it. When I’ll have all the new furniture in place, there is only one thing missing in this apartment; Johnny.
I’ve been feeling quite emotional this weekend. Aside from my monthly hormones, I think my relationship with Johnny has gone through a change lately. For the better, but still, all changes are emotional to some degree. We have been talking every day for the last 3 years and he knows me better than any other person, including my family or old friends. Yet, we have only met twice in “real life” (whatever that means). It is a strange combination of knowing everything about each other and at the same time struggling with faded memories of the other person’s scent, kisses and touch. It can be very frustrating at times. I miss him terribly but I’ve gotten used to the geographical distance, the 9 hour time difference and just having access to one dimension of him, through the phone. Although, together “we” are multidimensional. We have built a home in each other’s heart – a home where I find strength, happiness and clarity. We can be raw, in the way we attack our own and each other’s uncomfortable issues and truths – and delicate in how we choose to deal with them. There is always sensuality. Acceptance. Understanding. There is nothing I wouldn’t be able to share with Johnny and I find a sense of freedom in that. I can be myself and I can come undone or fall apart but Johnny would never judge or humiliate. I am not used to the kindness and respect he offers me. At times, it makes me uncomfortable because I am so used to the opposite and then it’s like I don’t know how to accept the love and understanding I am given. I have freaked out many times when he loves me the most, just because it’s hard for me to trust love – or men in general.
I feel deeply grateful for being part of this experience of intimate and naked love and for being able to explore the mysteries within the red sparkling energy between us. The more I accept being loved, the more I am able to contribute to our connection – and the more I love myself, the easier it is for me to receive love. It is all connected. It just has to start within oneself. Everything has to start somewhere. Every heart has a home both inside and outside of itself.
I’ve been working in PhotoShop, but I can’t seem to finish the last piece before I finish my new collection of artworks – The Lava House. There’s something I have to go through first. A process. I have to figure something out. In the meantime, I am experimenting with an older piece I never finished. I don’t know where I am going with it yet. It is a strange and complex story in there.
I have been feeling very tired lately and today I had to stay home. I can barely keep my eyes open. Zero energy. But I have been sleeping on and off all day, hopefully I will feel better in the morning. I have also been going through all the projects I have in motion right now to sort it out – to prioritize so I can focus on one thing at a time:
- Preparing the photo shoot at the haunted hotel on July 29th
- Writing on this blog
- Finishing the last digital piece (House of Lava) in the No Place Like Home collection
- Planning the art collaboration with Mats Tusenfot
- Writing on The Anxiety Bible
- Pursuing my vision of creating a group of Swedish underground artists
- Painting on the pieces for the Dead Lolita collection
- Filming myself for Andy’s documentary about me
- Looking for Swedish galleries for my comeback show
- Preparing for a secret American group show next year
I had an amazing experience while meditating today. I saw this path in a deep forest. It was the path I have been walking on through life. The path I have created for myself. For each step I took, I continued creating the path forward. But there was a place in the forest where the trees were too many. I couldn’t find my way. I felt tired and lost. There was a armchair made of green wicker – I sat down. I knew I had to rest before I could continue my journey. Before I could decide in which direction I wanted to go next. I think this is where I am right now. I have walked on my path for such a long time. I have worked so hard to get to this place where I can finally choose where I wish to go – without any chains or restrictions. I have everything I need in order to achieve any goal or pursuit any dream. I am free now. My past is buried in the distance. My fears are losing substance. I feel stronger than ever before. I feel ready for whatever adventure I want to go for. Now, it’s time to carefully choose where to go next. To create a new path.
Sometimes, when you start to focus on the things you DON’T have – it’s good to remind yourself of what you actually DO have. I have love in my life. In my heart. In my future. I am lucky that way. There are so many things I wish were different. So many things I wish I could change – but I can’t. I feel sad about these things. But there are so much to feel happy about as well. Like having someone loving me wholeheartedly – just for being who I am at the core.
Det är tråkigt att tiden inte räcker till för alla mina projekt just nu, men jag riskerar att bli utbränd igen om jag inte börjar prioritera bland dem. Ångestbibeln är ett hjärteprojekt som jag planerat inför i flera år och jag kommer få ihop texter så den till slut kan bli en utgiven bok – men just nu har jag inte den tiden jag skulle önska att jag hade för att kunna ägna mig åt att skriva på den. Det var betydligt lättare för mig att skriva och underhålla sidan innan jag fick en heltidstjänst – nu har jag svårt att få ihop allt som ska göras när jag kommer hem om kvällarna; skriva här på bloggen, marknadsföring på sociala medier, mejla gallerister, skapa konst till två utställningar, låta mig filmas till en dokumentär, planera fotoprojekt, samarbetet med Mats Tusenfot, vara social och samla ihop konstnärer till ett framtida kulturkollektiv osv. Dessutom har jag ju Johnny på andra sidan världen som jag bygger en relation med. Jag räcker helt enkelt inte till just nu för allt jag vill ta mig för.
Jag har funderat på detta i flera veckor nu och kommit fram till att arbetet med Ångestbibeln måste prioriteras bort för tillfället. MEN den fortsätter att vara levande och jag KOMMER uppdatera den, men sporadiskt och i mån av tid. Jag kommer hålla er uppdaterade här när jag postat nya texter på Ångestbibeln. Det kan bli några åt gången ibland eller enstaka poster då och då. Viktigast är att texterna är välskrivna och inte hastigt ihopslängda i någon slags panik. Det vore väldigt meta om Ångestbibeln skulle börja ge mig ångest liksom.
Hello, from me!
I woke up this morning feeling a little more energized – and I’ve had a great day at my job, making graphic design work in PhotoShop all day. Of course, I had no desire what so ever, to open the software on my computer once I got home. But I will dedicate this evening to my Swedish writing project and to enjoying some classical music.
I am thinking about how lucky I am to have found a job with such amazing co-workers. It was so important to me while I was looking for a job – to find a place in the ‘real world’ where I feel accepted for who I am – both as a person and as an artist. I have had too many bad experiences of bad workplaces where I felt completely wrong and ended up looking like a freak because my mind works in such a different way. I know I love ‘too much’ – too easily, too intense and to happily. It might intimidate some people. I know I am creative in everything I do, in every area of life and that it can be overwhelming for people who ‘numb’ their creative nerve in order to get through life without any inner chaos. I am also aware that I am loud about who I am and I demand the space I need – and it is provocative for some people. But I am not going to apologize for these things anymore. I feel proud of it and the people I have in my life right now are celebrating those qualities with me. I feel so grateful.
I am so tired. I feel like my body is barely able to function. I tried to meditate twice today but I fell asleep both times. The summer heat doesn’t help. I hope I’m, not getting sick. Perhaps I am just tired from working full time again. I hope this is just temporary – because I have so much to do – so many projects to plan. There is no time for this sleepwalking now.
At this point, I have a clear vision of what I wish to accomplish with creating the group of Swedish underground artists and creators. It is an important project and I feel like I could contribute something rare and beautiful to the art community here. I have at least 10-15 artist on my list already. To me, it doesn’t matter if they are professional artists or not, as long as their expressions are genuine and exciting. I don’t want us to be an elitist group – but a group of artists who just love to express ourselves, using an underground statement or the perspective of an outsider.
Me and Mats Tusenfot
I feel so high on the raw, creative juices flowing inside my mind right now! I’ve spent the whole day with my artist friend Mats Tusenfot at a café – brainstorming ideas for an upcoming collaboration. The meeting was, as always, intense and packed with inspiring stories, creative ideas and deep conversations about life, death, sex – and of course about art. I love the warm and glowing energy we generate together just by talking. To me, that is magical, to be able to connect deeply with another artist – with a friend. This collaboration will be a long-term project that will be presented to the public in a future art show. I just know it will be amazing, I can feel it. We share a visual language – you can see it in our artworks and it is rare and beautiful to be able to talk to someone else in a language most people don’t have access to. Through our art, we are able to create a world of our own. This world has its own rules – or perhaps lack of them and a different kind of gravity that pulls us in a direction that feels both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. It is the feeling of being home but not in the place you usually call home. I love that. Being at the edge of what you know and love – and the great unknown.
Yesterday, with messy hair
I am a little worried about the fact that I can’t seem to get back to working with my art after I come home from work. I need to get back into it – without pushing myself too hard of course. There has to be a balance. Perhaps I have to cut back on my writing project about anxiety – I simply don’t have enough time for all my projects. Time is without a doubt my biggest concern now when I have a daytime job. I finally have the money I need – but less time to make art.
However, I am planning all sorts of future projects. I am very excited about my upcoming photo shoot at this haunted hotel later this month. Karin and my friend Magic Frigren will be my models. It will be a great adventure! I can’t remember the last time I did something as exciting as this.
Every day, I try to find time to meditate, it is how I will stay out of the spinning hamster wheel. It will keep me grounded and centered. It is damn hard to withstand the gravity of that wheel. But I will try my hardest not to get caught it in. Time is precious and I won’t waste it on the wrong things. I hardly watch any TV or films anymore. I try to devote all my spare time to my creative projects, friends and to my relationship with Johnny. He has been holding my hand through all the processes I’ve been going through for many years now, including this big change of getting a job. We talk every morning while I take a walk to my workplace. Every morning is now a source of happiness and laughter. I feel so grateful – and so loved.
I believe that sexual energy (mojo) is the true energy to achieve success – in anything you do. The more sexual energy you have, the more successful you are. We are all made of pure and raw love juice. No shame. No fear. Just love. And glowing energy.♥
What a great weekend I’ve had. I got to enough rest and relaxation so that I can manage all my ongoing projects for next week – and I also got some new ideas for future projects as well! I am planning a secret one for next year and I have found the perfect theme for the collection of artworks that will follow the two I am working on right now. For me, this is huge! It gives me a direction to walk in. A new path to follow. A path I have to create myself.
It is a sensual evening. There’s a light breeze coming from my open window and I can feel the scent of summer in here. I feel really happy. It is like I am beginning to unfold, more and more. Becoming more me. Opening up. Straighten myself up. Absorbing the world outside myself instead of hiding from it like I used to do. I feel connected to it. To other people. To myself. To time. The hours seem different now days. Now, they are gently floating by instead of the usual mist of lost ones.
It is still strange for me to actually have money again. I have been living as a ‘starving artist’ for so many years now that I forgot how it feels like to have money to spend on things other than necessities. I can save up, invest or spend it. It is up to me. I haven’t felt this free in a long time.
I feel sensual and free.
What more can I ask for, on a Wednesday night?
It has been hard to go back to the digital piece in progress, since I feel like I’ve already moved on from the collection about the houses. I am not looking for a home anymore, I have found it within myself, in Johnny’s heart, in my new friends, in my art and in the world outside myself. The only homes I have yet to find are in the Swedish art community and a geographical place that makes me feel at peace. I know I don’t belong here in this city, or in this country for that matter. My dream is to move to the States one day, with Johnny of course. I have a soft spot in my heart for the Pacific Northwest. It sure has some Nordic qualities and it’s the home to many locations used in Twin Peaks (more on Twin Peaks in tomorrow’s post).
But I’m not a nature person. I wouldn’t really live that close to the lakes or the woods even if I’d move there. But it is beautiful and I feel drawn to the moody and misty landscape. I love rain, so perhaps Seattle would fit me perfectly.
I want Johnny to stay in the States, Sweden doesn’t really have that much to offer an American poet when it comes to a writer’s community, but he is sacrificing it just to be with me. I feel very grateful. I would love to move to him but it is impossible right now – and I really don’t want to live in a country run by a Narcissistic maniac. But I am sure we will find a way to move to the States in the future. Or somewhere else. Just not here. At least not until I feel like I belong to a real context here. A context that makes sense to me – and feels like home.
I keep thinking of the time I went to a Doctor because I was feeling depressed and after he had been listening to my stories about being ‘burned out as an artist’ and ‘overcoming trauma’ he looked at me and said: “You are not depressed. I don’t feel sorry for you. You are probably more intelligent than most people and you are talented. All you need is to get a haircut and a job. Then you should move to Paris and be amongst other artists who are like you. I won’t prescribe any pills for you, instead I want you to read Malcom Gladwell’s OUTLIERS: THE STORY OF SUCCESS. Buy the book and stop feeling sorry for yourself. That will help you.”
I love the intro music for Thirtysomething including the famous acoustic guitar -mandolin -coke bottle melody.
I’ve ordered a few seasons of the 80’s drama series Thirtysomething that I loved watching when I was younger. I haven’t seen it in at least 25 years – and it’s weird watching it again when I am now thirtysomething myself.
Me, being thirtysomething
Some themes in the show feel really dated, while others are still relevant and real.
My twentysomething years were horrible, the worst years of my life. I only have a handful of good memories from those years. Being thirtysomething have been about rebuilding myself and my life and creating a career as an artist.
Me, being twentysomething
I still have two more years left in my thirties, then I’ll be fourtysomething. I am really looking forward to it. Like a fresh start. A new era.
I know that I’ve come so far, I’ve reached places I never thought were possible to reach. I am the best version of me that I’ve ever been. But I feel like there still are some missing pieces. I will look for them in my years of being fourtysomething. It will be the decade of exploration and conquests. I guess it is the nature of a person being twentysomething, but since I lost those years to trauma and PTSD, I have to reclaim them.
Me, at the age of 27 (when I rediscovered my sexuality that had been ‘killed’ by my abuser and me at the age of 34 when I was having a life crisis and knew I had to lose everything in order to start over – leaving everything behind.)
Being thirtysomething is like building a bridge between the dreams you had when you were young and the reality of life as it really turned out while most of your dreams were crushed but also reinvented.
Life is going really fast right now. Monday turns to Thursday in a heartbeat. Tomorrow is Swedish midsummer and I’m off from work and I will take this long weekend to just be without myself and my art. I need to get back into the flow, I am drifting far away from the momentum I had before I started working. But I won’t be too hard on myself. It has been a very intense month and I am not used to getting up 6 in the morning or being away from home for 9 hours. I am still trying to adjust to all the new elements and routines – but I am having a great time at my new job and I love all my colleagues. I was lucky this time.
I have so many dreams I wish to go for – some of them are just out of reach while others are so far away that I don’t even know if it’s possible to approach them. Perhaps some dreams are just meant to be dreamt and not lived. But still – there is some magnetic power to dreams, like they are pulling us in a certain direction and sometimes that is all it takes to spark a new dream or vision.
A day ruled by the heatwave and bright sunshine. Where did my gray days disappeared to? As always when it’s bright and hot outside, I don’t really feel quite like myself. The weekends go by so fast now days. It’s Friday night and then suddenly Sunday evening already. I have to be more self disciplined from now on, otherwise I won’t ever get back into the flow of making art again. And it’s just so ridiculous that I only have one piece left to finish in the first new collection. The House of Lava. It is such a personal piece – a love story about me and Johnny.
However, my mind is packed with new ideas – both for myself and for collaborations with other artists. Even at my daytime job I get to be creative and collaborate with home stylists and graphic designers. I feel such gratitude.
I am also planning a new photo shoot with Karin. I miss her.
I can’t stop listening to The Weekend song I posted yesterday, I am so in love with it. “I feel it coming”. Yeah, I do.
Even though I am haunted by this recent heatwave, I feel like I am riding on my own heatwave as well. So many good things are just around the corner.
I feel it coming.
Painting by Mikael Dalnäs
It is a sleepy Sunday. I haven’t done much this weekend, I am just trying to relax and recharge as much as I can. The plan is to go back to working with my art after I come home from my daytime job at the furniture store. And for that I need a lot of new energy.
My artist date for today got cancelled but yesterday I contacted another Swedish artist I’ve recently discovered and admire – Mikael Dalnäs and he fell in my love with my art as well. He suggested we should collaborate in the future and I would love to, once I am more into the flow of painting. I am still trying to find my groove in front of the easel.
Slowly, I am building my own network of like minded and amazing artists and creative people here in Sweden. I have big plans for us. Big and wonderful plans.
Red has always been my favorite color – and red was a theme in many of Ingmar Bergman’s movies. Perhaps the color red is what connects me to his inner world. The color of the inside. The color of our hearts, the world underneath our skin and the color of our wildest desire – the desire to connect, to bleed into each other’s existence.
I took a walk home after work. Gray skies. My red hair flowing in the whirling summer winds. But I’ve got sunshine in my heart. I feel so many things. I feel free. Happy. Inspired. But most of all – I feel like I am made of pure love. There is just so much love everywhere. And I think I am crushing on the whole world right now. It is all so beautiful. Everything. This rainy summer. People. My inner Universe. I even feel beautiful to myself right now. But the most beautiful thing is to be alive. I mean – to really be alive. I can feel my heart like it is a a physical place, where everything is wild and free, just like the wind. I feel the glowing heat radiating from it. I wonder if other other people can see it as well?
I will never stop chasing the magic of life because it is the very heart of it. And I need to be in constant movement forward. At least within myself. Where everything is connected to a secret rhythm. It is where I belong. Me and my wild, wild heart.
Me shooting Karin at a local theater. Photo by Andreas Lundholm
Karin and I are connecting even deeper as we are exploring concepts and ideas for future photo shoots. I love how she is always triggering my creativity by sending me photos of herself in various moods. “I got in the mood” she wrote earlier this week and took a selfie with a lot of attitude, standing on the WC in a small train passenger toilet. She really is a muse. I love her dearly. “I believe in you so much Karin. If you master the art of demanding space without feeling apologetic, nothing can stop you from reaching the stars. I want to help get there.” I wrote. “I knew it from the second I first saw you.”
I have so many ideas for new projects with Karin, hopefully we’ll meet up soon to discuss them. I miss her. I miss my muse. However, somewhere in my heart, I can’t help feeling a little guilty for moving on from the times I shared with Domenique. She will always be missed. But new times, new visions – new muses. My artist-heart is in love.
Me shooting Karin at a local theater. Photo by Andreas Lundholm