I am stuck in a heavy place and I need to find a way out. This heartache with the flu, the eye migraine and a horrible case of the monthly hormone storm is a little bit too much for me. I don’t sleep well at night and wake up all drained. I will do everything I can to feel better, because right now, I need myself to be the strongest me. I need my art, I need to laugh, to feel alive again. I need to feel passion. Pleasure. Happiness. These were reasons why I made the decision to end my relationship in the first place. I can’t fall apart because of my own decision. It doesn’t make sense.
I have been so scared of the unknown – and here I am right at the edge of it. Time to make friends with it instead of running away.
Vilken omvälvande tid. Jag bryter mig loss från mina egna drömmar. Jag lösgör mig från min egen cementerade förställning om vad kärlek är och vad det borde vara. Just nu vet jag ingenting om hur jag vill att kärleken ska se ut. Vilken färg den ska ha. Vilka mönster som den bör skapa inom mig. Jag har börjat tvivla på om kärlek överhuvudtaget matchar mina behov – om jag kan ställa de krav på andra som jag gjort fram tills nu. Eller kanske har jag inte ställt nog med krav?
Känner mig nollställd. Till allt. Vet jag överhuvudtaget vart jag är på väg? Är en bit ur kurs, fast ändå i en riktning jag själv har valt. Jag får ge denna tid lite tålamod, fastän den är ganska obekväm.
Tänker på Johnny. Jag sörjer fortfarande. Varje dag, lite i taget. Gråter ibland. Kramar kuddar och snorar ned dem med min gråt. Sedan blir jag tom och stirrar blank framför mig. Svåra omständigheter kvävde vår kärlek. Och det var kärlek. Äkta jävla kärlek. Men den blev kvävd. Jag med. Jag behöver andas nu. Flyga. Virvla runt som ett höstlöv genom verkligheten. Jag behöver lättheten av vinden under mig. Orkar inte med att känna tyngder av bly dra mig nedåt marken. Vill inte ens veta av tyngden av mina egna drömmar. Fuck it, låt mig bara få virvla!
On Thursday, I had to call Swedish 911 because I thought I was losing my vision. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I got a strange and overwhelming rainbow/shimmering/flashing phenomena in my field of vision. It grew bigger and bigger until my whole reality looked like a burning painting by Picasso. Very scary. I panicked and called the emergency number. They tried to calm me down and told me to lay down with my feet erect. It went away after a while, but I felt cloudy in my vision and a little lightheaded for a long time afterwards. I am OK now, but I was really scared. Going blind is one of my biggest fears – I am an artist and my eyes are an extension of my heart.
It is most likely some form of eye migraine (with visual aura) – due to stress. I have been emotionally very stressed lately and it’s not helping that I got stuck in bed with the flu. I have so much I need to do, so much to accomplish. But, I need to continue to rest and relax. This weekend is a perfect opportunity for me to meditate and try to center myself even more. I miss Johnny and our future – but I know this is a phase of acceptance and letting go.
Even if there are a lot of bad things happening right now, I feel happier than ever. I just have to keep reminding me of where I want to go. I am getting closer and closer to a life that feels autentic and true to who I am.
This is how the eye migraine felt like:
I have been fighting a head cold for a few days and today I had to stay in bed. My head feels like a diving bell.
However, my heart is slowly healing. I am a person who mourns something before it is gone. Like I can sense that it fading out. Dying. How it’s disappearing before it actually happens. This is why it is easier from me to move on – while Johnny, on the other hand, is more present in his grief. We are there for each other and holding each other’s hand through the pain.
Even in dark times like this, I feel stronger than ever. I even feel pretty happy – not in this present situation of course, but within myself.
No wonder I haven’t been able to finish the last piece of my collection about finding ‘home’ in love and life – The Lava House, that was supposed to be the finale piece – the happy ending with Johnny sailing across the Atlantic ocean (of glowing lava) to my continent. There wasn’t any happy ending and I could not finish the piece because I want to be honest in my art – and on some subconscious level I think I knew it was not a happy piece after all. I guess I have to put this piece aside and start working on new ones and continue the story about the houses. I have some new ideas and the heartache I am going through, is filled with raw material for more works. This collection is therefore still an ongoing project.
I am slowly finding my way back through the sadness. One day at the time. Today is the first day in a long time when I don’t wake up crying or feeling like there is a weight on my heart. I am beginning a new chapter and it will be a great one. I am letting go of everything I know about love. It feels really good.
I’ve gone through many overwhelming processes lately. Johnny and I got stuck in a painful cul-de-sac. We got lost in our dreams – and in the oppressive nature of a cruel reality. Maintaining a long distance relationship is hard, but even harder when it’s disrupted by an external force.
We have been forced to let go of each other in order to find more of ourselves and to dig deeper into life, that lies beyond our own little world that we have been building for almost three years.
Our relationship has come to an end, but our love story will forever continue. I am crying as I am writing this because love was never an issue – there is still so much love. Complicated circumstances and bad timing has been haunting us from the beginning and unexpected problems have somehow always tried to separate us. I guess the stars were never really aligned for us. Maybe one day they will shine bright for us on a clear sky, maybe they never will.
Johnny has taught me so much about love, life, about myself and he’s opened up my eyes about so many things I couldn’t see before. I feel so grateful for having shared a part of my life with him. Johnny has the most beautiful heart I’ve ever known. What a privilege it is to know I will always have a place in it, just like he’ll always have a place in mine.
As we dive into the terrifying darkness of the unknown – I also feel hopeful that there is a new beginning around the corner. A new chapter where anything is possible. I just have to get through this painful place first. I really need my art right now.
Mini interview in Swedish magazine ETC – about the position of horror art within the Swedish art scene. “It’s a mirror reflecting the cruelty and angst of our times and the many horror elements of being a human being ” I say.
With my artist friend Mats Tusenfot at a café earlier this week
Mats shows me his work in progress – a stitched collage made out of Swedish paper money (20 kronor bills). Beautiful!
It has been a very intense period, filled with both pain and love. Some things are broken and other things are healing. Complicated and at the same time natural in its complexities. I have been focused on my job and exploring new sides to myself as I am entering the ‘real world’ and becoming one with it. I am fascinated with how well I fit in it and how well it suits me – however, I still need to hold on to certain elements of my own world that is my true home in this life. Therefore. I have come up with ‘anchor points’ that will keep me grounded in my private world. The anchor points will work as a gravity that will pull me closer to myself and everything that is me – it can be listening to classical music, jazz, being creative with my art and writing, watching movies I love, reading books, meditation and meeting friends. I will try to focus on these things as soon as I step out of the office. I need MY world – and it needs me too!
My friend and legendary Twin Peaks singer Julee Cruise just posted my old portrait of her on her Instagram! Rumor has it that she will be performing in one of the last two episodes of the new season of Twin Peaks that airs tonight in the US. Even if my name is misspelled, I feel so grateful and happy. Can’t wait to see her on Twin Peaks. I just know it will be magical.
“Julee’s Wor´ld” by Mia Makila, 2012, digital collage
Mina tankar slirar. Svindlar. Jag vet ingenting om nånting längre. Allt är vidöppet. Och rått. Varje tanke är en färskvara. Håller bara några sekunder, innan den omvandlas till ett minne av något som aldrig skett. Jag tittar ut över min halvtomma lägenhet. Så många gamla möbler är borta nu. Har rensat bort saker som är färgade av en annan tid. Som kroppar av trä, påträngande och hårda. Vill inte känna så. Men lägenheten känns tom på flera sätt. Det är en yta. Platt. Det står några möbler här och där men annars är den platt och tom.
Jag genomgår ännu en förändring. En storslagen sådan. Fast, kanske är alla förändringar på något sätt storslagna, även fast de är små. Jag gör revolt. Mot vad, vet jag inte riktigt, men jag spjärnar emot där jag finner en begränsning. Vill gå längre. Nå in djupare. Riva hela min värld öppen för att känna saften innanför tränga ut – läcka genom verkligheten och rinna längs mina konturer.
Allt är lite skissartat. Allt.
Johnny och jag genomgår en kris. Fast jag är rädd, håller jag mig över ytan och kan andas. Det finns saker i vägen. Det har alltid funnits något i vägen. Den här gången har vi nästan blivit lite vana. Kan hantera det på ett bättre sätt. Kanske är detta rätt ögonblick att se bortom normen. Att forma, bygga, skapa ett liv som känns helt rätt, på alla sätt. Jag vill kunna känna ett flow i allt jag gör. I kärlek. Lust. Sex. I konsten. Jag vill flowa genom tid och rum – skapa en magisk frekvens som bara jag och dem jag älskar har tillgång till. Jag behöver inte förståelse utav resten av världen.
Smärtan av en kris är också helande. Det är en chans att växa. Odla skogar av glas. Stränder. Bränder. Städer av ljus. Spränga verkligheter i tusen bitar.
Har så mycket kärlek i mitt liv. Om ni bara visste. Inuti mig själv rasar också en ständig kärlek som liksom glöder i ådrorna. Det brinner i varje andetag. Ibland vet jag inte vad jag ska göra av mig själv. Min kropp är alldeles för liten för en sådan stor brand.
I am going through something very private at the moment. It is scary and wonderful – but it is hard for me to write about. I am really building a life that is my own creation. So much hard work. So much pain. But you have no idea how liberating it is to create a life that is not based on any pre-made idea or normality (and numbing conformity). I have a clear vision of what kind of life I want for myself in the future. I want to explore so many sides to myself that I haven’t been able to explore before; I will become a writer, I want to explore my sexuality, eroticism and sensuality – I want to dare to love deeper and to experience pleasure that has been out of my reach, on a much higher level.
To make this journey is complicated. I have no one to ask for advice or guidance. This is my journey, it is only meant for me. There aren’t any guidelines. No manuals. Not even a clear path to follow. I have been so used to merely ‘surviving’ life after my traumas. Life was painful in every area and my focus was on getting through one hardship after the other. For 20 years. Now, I am on the other side of the darkness. Getting used to the light. I still feel blinded at times.
I am not in ‘survival mode’ anymore. I want to LIVE. LOVE. CREATE. Create magic in everything I do – in who I am becoming. Creating magic in my art, magic in other people’s hearts and minds, in the way I look at the world (as a playground). I wish to create a life that I could call a living dream.
I just have to go on dreaming the dream so I can follow it all the way to the very edge – and turn it into some kind of reality. You can call me crazy – and maybe I am – but somehow I know that this is possible. Like I have always known it’s possible; to create a life outside what people consider ‘normal’ and ‘real’ by using the magic of creativity and imagination.
Vaknar av att min hud är alldeles elektrisk. Mina sinnen vidöppna. Vill ta in allt. Allt som känns lika elektriskt som jag. Det är en tid av självutforskande. Vecklar ut mig själv. Sprider ut min elektricitet över min verklighet. Över världen. Allt är laddat. Det sprakar om tiden. Nätterna kommer alltid för tidigt. Vill ha mer. Av både dagen och av mig själv. Den längtan som bott så länge i min kärna, blommar nu. Fast det börjar bli höst så är det vår i mitt hjärta.
Tankesudd. De når inte fram. Trasslar sig bara. Är så trött. Någon gång måste det ju vända. Jag sover. Jobbar. Äter. Sover. Jobbar. Och någonstans där odlar jag också en hemlig trädgård i min själ. Något som bara är menat för mig och ingen annan. Kanske är det första gången.
Har inte mediterat på ett par veckor, det är lönlöst för jag somnar bara. Hur ska jag återerövra min egen värld som nu blivit tillplattad av verkligheten? Hur kan man stanna tiden under kvällarna, addera tidlösa minuter, fånga skuggorna av alla tankar som gett mig liv under dagen men som redan är bortglömda. Begravda i vardagsbestyret. Eller är det jag som ligger där under?
Min värld är magisk. Det har den alltid varit. Det har jag sett till. Men nu står den lite bortglömd bakom verkligheten. Det ljuvliga skimret från lusten där inne letar sig in i mig. Får förbannat dåligt samvete.
Ska jag tillåta mig själv att vara i verkligheten utan ett dåligt samvete. Eller är det en kompass. Som tar mig tillbaka. Tillbaka in i mig själv. Som att jag stjäl tillbaka mig själv. Jag är bara till låns i den verkliga världen. Det vet jag. Älskar att vara turist i den. Trivs med att jobba. Men det är inte min värld. Den har aldrig varit menad för mig. Det vet jag också.
Samtidigt återupptäcker jag sidor hos mig själv som sovit. Länge. Jag skrattar oftare. Älskar djupare. Njuter mer. Av vinden. Regnet. Orden.
Varje dag bjuder på nya sensationer inombords. Som jag aldrig tidigare upplevt. Det sprakar om mitt hjärta. Röda gnistor som svider skönt. Och länge.
At times, the distance tries to steal me away from Johnny. I feel how the continents move away from each other. How the sky is suddenly ripped apart. How his hand falls out of mine. Just for a short moment he is gone, lost in the distance and faded from my world. Just for a moment. It is so painful. It isn’t the sky that is ripped apart – it is my heart.
Then everything shifts back. I feel his hand in mine. The presence of his heart inside me. Our continents blurred into one little island.
It is hard to love someone on the other side of the world, not that it’s hard to love them – but because the distance has hungry claws.
It is a lovely morning. Dark skies. Hard rain. My heart is alive. I fell asleep early again last night. No dreams. No nightmares. Just pure rest. Somehow, I really need it, even though it makes me frustrated and stressed because I want to do so many other things during my evenings.
Every morning, I am waking up to a slightly more deranged world. A world dominated by angry men with too much power. Perhaps that is why I sleep so much – trying to escape reality.
I wish everyone could go through the process of self-awakening and the sweet realization of what is really important in life; “live.love.create”. What a beautiful world it would be.
My new hobby is to fall sleep after work and wake up when it’s dark and time to go to sleep. It’s crazy and I can’t afford to get sucked into the hamster wheel any deeper than I already have. I need to break this routine. Now. I’m not getting anything done. The reality of real life is heartbreaking. It takes a lot of energy to try and hold on to time when it is being eaten by the feeling of fatigue.
Perhaps the only thing I can do right now is to lean on the harsh concept of practicing self-discipline. Where did all my ‘focus lists’ go? I need to go back to making them so I can keep track on what I have to focus on vs what I have to let go of.
I haven’t had my art available for people to purchase in a long time. To make a price-list is my biggest priority. So, IF I can find some kind of energy after work, this will be my next project. This means that soon, you will be able to buy my art again.
It is like a part of me is refusing to get back into the world of making art. Obviously, I have something else I have to go through first. I think that thing is this new way I am exploring all the new sides to myself – sides that I haven’t been able to explore before. Now, when I have a daytime job, I get to be social and interact with other people. It is a vast contrast to my old life – and my days of isolation and loneliness. I am discovering who I am in the world outside the walls of my studio and outside my own head. It is healthy and exciting – but also time consuming. I wish I had more time to play, create, love and laugh. I can’t believe I used to have so much time to do all those things, but somehow I wasted it on other things (like worrying, crying, daydreaming and panicking). I wasn’t aware of how precious time really is. Now I do. I am investing a lot of time in building new friendships – and restoring old ones, in my relationship with Johnny and in getting completely into the flow of my new job.
I really dislike how I am neglecting important parts of myself, but I can’t seem to make everything come together at the moment. I have been searching for my place in the world for a long time (all my life?) without ever finding it – and now I am finally creating that place for myself and working really hard to achieve all my goals. This takes both time and energy. I can feel how I am changing, growing, expanding my mind and becoming more and more conscious about myself and the mysteries of life itself. My two new and on-going collections of artworks are starting to feel a bit old. I have been working on them for almost four years. It is like I am stepping out of an old era and into a new one – without knowing anything about where I am going next. I love it but I feel a bit lost when I am not following a clear vision.
As I am getting rid of old stuff, cleaning out my closet and buying new furniture for my future life with Johnny – I can’t help looking at my easel and all my art supply and wonder if I am ever gonna paint again. If I even like it anymore. I haven’t been painting since early spring and even then it felt a little forced. I can’t seem to find the right media for my artistic expressions. Until I find that perfect outlet for my creativity, I think I will continue to feel a little lost. This of course, is part of the self-exploration that I am currently going through. Looking for answers. Searching for new questions to ask.
I am feeling great. I am really stimulated at work, I have a lot of projects in motion and I am getting more comfortable about the new routines of having a daytime job. The next big challenge for me is to lose weight and to get in shape. I don’t feel at home in my body right now. My focus has been on so many things the last few years – trauma recovery, getting out of creativity blockages, creating a new life for myself and building a new relationship – that I haven’t had the time or energy to exercise or to maintain my ideal weight.
It is strange how I’ve become so good at exercising my mind, heart and soul, and how I’ve neglected my body. It’s difficult to find a perfect balance between mind and body. Meditation and exercise have to be equally important from now on.
It is Friday morning. White skies. I’m having a terrible cold – coughing, fever, staying in bed. I haven’t had much time to myself lately, nor the energy to write anything – and yet I have so much to say, so much I wish to express. I’ve seen so much beauty to life lately, I’ve found some keys to unlock more happiness.
Johnny makes me feel safe enough to explore my deepest desires when it comes to living truthfully to who I am and wholeheartedly. The more I reveal about myself to him – and to myself, the more I feel liberated and free, even though it includes some uncomfortable truths and uncertainties. I allow myself to have doubts, to rethink, to take a step back to find answers on my own so I can contribute to our relationship in a more honest way.
Lately, I’ve been asking myself if it is realistic to ask Johnny to live up to all my expectations and needs. What am I ready to sacrifice. Which sides of myself are impossible to satisfy. What is normal for us vs normal according to society, normalities which are not always compatible. Are we looking at each other or observing ourselves, filtered through the eyes of others.
Even though I am sick and drained, I feel completely awake and alive on the inside.
My apartment is a mess. I’m getting rid of the old stuff to make room for new furniture. It’s a reflection of what I’m going through internally. My thoughts is a collection of questions, a beautiful work in progress. Asking questions – asking the right questions – will first create chaos but result in some kind of awakening. I love that.
When I think back on my day at the haunted hotel, I can see how overwhelming it was in many ways. The house itself was a true creation, and all the rooms were crammed with interesting things and dusty old furniture. I did have a paranormal experience in one of the bedrooms – where there is a very long but narrow bed that a Swedish King once slept in. As soon as I got into the room, I felt out of breath and I had trouble breathing. I also felt a heavy weight on my chest. I didn’t want to stay in the room for too long but the light was beautiful in there and I got great shots of Karin. Here is one of them.
Photography by Mia Makila, Model: Karin Engman
I wasn’t expecting to feel anything strange in the house, especially since I don’t really believe in ghosts or spirits.
When I got back home, I transferred all the 1600 photos from my camera into the computer – and I wasn’t pleased with how most of them turned out. I felt a little disappointed. It is my first real shoot without Domenique and this time, I didn’t have anyone to rely on when it comes to make up or costume. When I am working, I have to be aware of the settings of the camera, whilst directing the models, make sure that their hands are in a good position, that the eyes display a genuine expression, that the hair is good or messy – and I have to be aware of the light, the shadow, the camera angle – and the god damn focus point. I really need an assistent.
This is a great opportunity for me to learn from my recent mistakes. I’ve also realized that I am a portrait photographer and I feel uncomfortable with dressing up my models in various costumes and wigs. I like it real. Simple. And as naked as possible (psychologically). At least now I know this about myself. The haunted hotel gave me many answers to questions I didn’t even know I was asking.
Tonight, I am making preparations for the photo shoot at the old hotel this weekend. I have made up a little story about two sisters who live in a run down hotel, I sent the girls I will use in the shoot (Karin and Tuva) these photos as inspiration for their characters:
Tuva’s character (Amanda):
And Karin’s character (Laura):
Two pictures of the hotel (and the owner who also lives there all by herself):
Photo by PonyHans
Photo by PonyHans
I am really excited about the weekend. I am looking forward to everything about it. To visit a haunted hotel. To meet my friends. To work as a photographer again – and to capture magic with my camera. I can’t wait. I so need this adventure!
Tuesday morning. I am sitting in my kitchen, staring up at the clouds and observing the wild birds fly by outside the skylight. I am deep into my PMS hormones and all the uncomfortable symptoms. My body is bloated and I am feeling like a combination between a whale and a balloon. It is ridiculous. I can’t wait for these days to be over. I know I need to lose some weight. I used to comfort myself by eating sweets and now it’s hard to get rid of the extra weight. My body doesn’t look like me, I don’t feel at home in it anymore. I refuse to look at it when I am in the shower.
Perhaps on some subconscious level, the unwanted weight is part of some kind of self-sabotage. It is hard to be in a long distance relationship – and I guess if I would to feel more beautiful and attractive, I would also have more desire to have sex. This ballooned body might serve as a physical wall of protection of my relationship – and of my own happiness. Because I feel rather sexually starved. I long for a man’s hands on me. I miss the weight of a man. Deep breaths in my ear. Against my skin. I miss the sensation of nails digging into my back. My thighs.
It has been a year since Johnny was here and by this time, I have forgotten the sweet taste of his kiss.
At times I think I am going insane from the hunger I feel inside. But I feel hungry in so many ways – for so many different things. Hunger makes you feel a little desperate at times. It is also the hunger that makes you feel alive. I do not envy people who have lost their hunger. I’d much rather go crazy because I feel such drive to devour the world (my world), than to be content and OK with being all dried up inside.
I am fighting this overwhelming feeling of fatigue, but I am obviously failing. I think I just have to surrender and stop fighting it. Perhaps I’ve been pushing myself too hard to get back into my routines of creativity and making art. I will try to be more patient and wait it out. I need to rest and stay away from any kind of pressure – especially if it’s coming from myself.
The photo shoot at the haunted hotel is less than a week away. I can’t wait. However it’s the first time I’m doing a photo shoot where I’m mimicking the method of my collaboration with Domenique; coming up with a story, creating characters, planning appropriate make up, costumes and attitudes. The biggest difference this time is that I have to do everything myself. Domenique was a make up artist and a stylist – I am neither. It makes me a little nervous. But if I succeed, I won’t feel as dependent on Domenique anymore.
I’ve spent this weekend trying to sort things, clean and organize my stuff so I can get rid of a lot of furniture – and make room for new ones. I have always loved to get rid of things, it’s more satisfying to me than to go shopping for new stuff. I love the process of change. It feels refreshing and hopeful.
I have a clear vision of how this apartment will look like, once I’m done with all the changes. It will take me a few months until it’ll match my vision. I guess I am being pretty creative after all…
It is morning again. My hair is wet. My heart wide-open. And my mind at peace (for now). I had strange dreams but I don’t feel affected by their strangeness. I have a hunger to express myself more. I have so much inside me that wants to be expressed and released. I am craving the magic of making something that has tension – and many dimensions. Living in the real world can be a flat experience. Dry. I want to be a rainfall of love and magic. Let me rain. All over the world.
It is early morning and I am on my way to work. I feel so tired – will I ever have enough energy to be creative when I get home after work? This bothers me a little. I am being sucked into real life (into the hamster wheel) and all I can do is hope that the essence of who I am won’t disappear in there.
You sacrifice your freedom to make money, in order to buy freedom because the real freedom makes you limited in this society. It’s messed up. I am not OK with this philosophy but I have no other choices right now. I miss my freedom of having time. But I don’t miss the stress and the constricted feeling of constant worrying about money.
As soon as I’ll have more energy, I will do everything I can do recreate the freedom that I miss, by starting making some real money on my art. That is my goal. This is just a little detour on my path. I know where I am going. I know what I want. And all I want – is my own definition of freedom.