The reality of real life is heartbreaking

My new hobby is to fall sleep after work and wake up when it’s dark and time to go to sleep. It’s crazy and I can’t afford to get sucked into the hamster wheel any deeper than I already have. I need to break this routine. Now. I’m not getting anything done. The reality of real life is heartbreaking. It takes a lot of energy to try and hold on to time when it is being eaten by the feeling of fatigue.

Perhaps the only thing I can do right now is to lean on the harsh concept of practicing self-discipline. Where did all my ‘focus lists’ go? I need to go back to making them so I can keep track on what I have to focus on vs what I have to let go of.

I haven’t had my art available for people to purchase in a long time. To make a price-list is my biggest priority. So, IF I can find some kind of energy after work, this will be my next project. This means that soon, you will be able to buy my art again.

Self-exploration

It is like a part of me is refusing to get back into the world of making art. Obviously, I have something else I have to go through first. I think that thing is this new way I am exploring all the new sides to myself – sides that I haven’t been able to explore before. Now, when I have a daytime job, I get to be social and interact with other people. It is a vast contrast to my old life – and my days of isolation and loneliness. I am discovering who I am in the world outside the walls of my studio and outside my own head. It is healthy and exciting – but also time consuming. I wish I had more time to play, create, love and laugh. I can’t believe I used to have so much time to do all those things, but somehow I wasted it on other things (like worrying, crying, daydreaming and panicking). I wasn’t aware of how precious time really is. Now I do. I am investing a lot of time in building new friendships – and restoring old ones, in my relationship with Johnny and in getting completely into the flow of my new job.

I really dislike how I am neglecting important parts of myself, but I can’t seem to make everything come together at the moment. I have been searching for my place in the world for a long time (all my life?) without ever finding it – and now I am finally creating that place for myself and working really hard to achieve all my goals. This takes both time and energy. I can feel how I am changing, growing, expanding my mind and becoming more and more conscious about myself and the mysteries of life itself. My two new and on-going collections of artworks are starting to feel a bit old. I have been working on them for almost four years. It is like I am stepping out of an old era and into a new one – without knowing anything about where I am going next. I love it but I feel a bit lost when I am not following a clear vision.

As I am getting rid of old stuff, cleaning out my closet and buying new furniture for my future life with Johnny – I can’t help looking at my easel and all my art supply and wonder if I am ever gonna paint again. If I even like it anymore. I haven’t been painting since early spring and even then it felt a little forced. I can’t seem to find the right media for my artistic expressions. Until I find that perfect outlet for my creativity, I think I will continue to feel a little lost. This of course, is part of the self-exploration that I am currently going through. Looking for answers. Searching for new questions to ask.

Light

I had a great week at my daytime job. Yesterday we were scouting locations for a future photo session for our latest pieces of furniture at our online store. We are searching for something of an industrial style suddenly we found this old and abandoned factory building not far from the office. Isn’t it magical? However, it is nearly a ‘death trap’; the wooden floor has a lot of sharp nails coming out of it and there are only ladders to get the heavy furniture to this attic space. But the light, look at the light.  Can’t wait to work with this space.

Routines

It is Friday morning and I have been too tired to do anything creative after work. I know I have been neglecting this blog a bit, but I will get back into the flow of things very soon. I still have to edit the photos from the hotel. And finish the last digital piece in my new collection. I will also create a new list of available works – with new pricing and editions. I have to be more self-disciplined with it comes to my art career, because the pull of the hamster wheel of having ‘normal’ routine, like going-to-work-buying-food-making-dinner-trying-to-relax-once-I-am-home is really strong. It is really unattractive. But I love my job and my colleagues and that’s important to me.

However, my art is far more important so I have to find a way to get back into my own routines of being creative. The flow of collecting-inspiration-and-feeling-intoxicated-by-my-own-emotions-so-I-just-have-to-create-some-magic.

Shadow

Is it a selfish thing, to be absolutely true to ones core? The more I am exploring myself, the more liberated I feel – but there is always a shadow lurking somewhere behind me. Like I am abandoning someone or something else in the process. While trying to nurture my nature, I am also stepping out of old skin that people know and love. The act of self-discovery and exploring the independence of the soul, is also the act of abandoning something else.

Body talk

I am feeling great. I am really stimulated at work, I have a lot of projects in motion and I am getting more comfortable about the new routines of having a daytime job. The next big challenge for me is to lose weight and to get in shape. I don’t feel at home in my body right now. My focus has been on so many things the last few years – trauma recovery, getting out of creativity blockages, creating a new life for myself and building a new relationship – that I haven’t had the time or energy to exercise or to maintain my ideal weight.

It is strange how I’ve become so good at exercising my mind, heart and soul, and how I’ve neglected my body. It’s difficult to find a perfect balance between mind and body. Meditation and exercise have to be equally important from now on.

 

Nanci ♥

 

I have a little Nanci in me – and you have a little Mia in you, that is why we have been friends for over 20 years. We are very different but we share twin cores. – Mia

 

Here are my portraits of Nanci from yesterday;

“Nanci” – photography by Mia Makila, 2017

 

 

Nanci and me, taking a walk by the river yesterday;

Familiar shadows

Monday morning. Ovulation. Blue skies.

I have been going through something difficult with Johnny, but we are working our way through it. It is a strange phase where time seem to be everything. Backwards. Forwards. The now. Hours. Lost and found. I now see time as something far more important than money. Perhaps it is always about choosing one over the other. Johnny is my best friend and I trust him when he says that we can get through anything. Even when there are familiar shadows clinging to the present time.

Friends

It is a windy Sunday morning and I am waiting for Nanci to come over. Since she has been living in California the last few years, I haven’t had the chance to see her since she was here last year – I have missed her so much. We have the whole day to make up for lost time.

I have also reached out to an old friend I haven’t talked to for almost 10 years. I have been afraid to accidentally invite my whole past to come back if I’d contact any old friends, but this gives me a great opportunity to explore myself as I am now – as I have become, in the light of who I used to be in a time when my life was a complete mess. Instead of running away from it all, I am now trying to mash up all the versions of myself to see if they could collaborate. Because I do think that part of who I used to be is still alive inside me, but healed and matured. I have felt like I am missing some parts of myself, perhaps that’s where they have been – buried in the past. I want to rediscover myself, deconstruct and put some missing pieces together so that I can be a better artist, a better girlfriend – and a better friend to all my friends, new or old.

Asking the right questions

It is Friday morning. White skies. I’m having a terrible cold – coughing, fever, staying in bed. I haven’t had much time to myself lately, nor the energy to write anything – and yet I have so much to say, so much I wish to express. I’ve seen so much beauty to life lately, I’ve found some keys to unlock more happiness.

Johnny makes me feel safe enough to explore my deepest desires when it comes to living truthfully to who I am and wholeheartedly. The more I reveal about myself to him – and to myself, the more I feel liberated and free, even though it includes some uncomfortable truths and uncertainties. I allow myself to have doubts, to rethink, to take a step back to find answers on my own so I can contribute to our relationship in a more honest way.

Lately, I’ve been asking myself if it is realistic to ask Johnny to live up to all my expectations and needs. What am I ready to sacrifice. Which sides of myself are impossible to satisfy. What is normal for us vs normal according to society, normalities which are not always compatible. Are we looking at each other or observing ourselves, filtered through the eyes of others.

Even though I am sick and drained, I feel completely awake and alive on the inside.

My apartment is a mess. I’m getting rid of the old stuff to make room for new furniture. It’s a reflection of what I’m going through internally. My thoughts is a collection of questions,  a beautiful work in progress. Asking questions – asking the right questions – will first create chaos but result in some kind of awakening. I love that.

 

Haunted

When I think back on my day at the haunted hotel, I can see how overwhelming it was in many ways. The house itself was a true creation, and all the rooms were crammed with interesting things and dusty old furniture. I did have a paranormal experience in one of the bedrooms – where there is a very long but narrow bed that a Swedish King once slept in. As soon as I got into the room, I felt out of breath and I had trouble breathing. I also felt a heavy weight on my chest. I didn’t want to stay in the room for too long but the light was beautiful in there and I got great shots of Karin. Here is one of them.

Photography by Mia Makila, Model: Karin Engman

I wasn’t expecting to feel anything strange in the house, especially since I don’t really believe in ghosts or spirits.

When I got back home, I  transferred all the 1600 photos from my camera into the computer – and I wasn’t pleased with how most of them turned out. I felt a little disappointed. It is my first real shoot without Domenique and this time, I didn’t have anyone to rely on when it comes to make up or costume. When I am working, I have to be aware of the settings of the camera, whilst directing the models, make sure that their hands are in a good position, that the eyes display a genuine expression, that the hair is good or messy – and  I have to be aware of the light, the shadow, the camera angle – and the god damn focus point. I really need an assistent.

This is a great opportunity for me to learn from my recent mistakes. I’ve also realized that I am a portrait photographer and I feel uncomfortable with dressing up my models in various costumes and wigs. I like it real. Simple. And as naked as possible (psychologically). At least now I know this about myself. The haunted hotel gave me many answers to questions I didn’t even know I was asking.

Portraits of Magic Frigren at Stenkullen Hotel

Here are two of my portraits of my friend and writer/illustrator Magic Frigren in the childhood room of the owner of Stenkullen Hotel, cluttered and crammed with toys and things. When I first met Magic, I fell in love with her warm aura and the pinkish glow she brings into the world, so I tried to capture it in these portraits.

This talented, strong and intelligent woman has the future in her hands and I can’t wait to see what she will do it it.

© 2017 MIA MAKILA