Ella Fitzgerald – All The Things You Are

It’s an Ella morning.

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Internal blindness

I fell asleep at 7 pm the other night, that’s crazy early! I am going through a lot of changes right now and feel completely drained. Today, I woke up with anxiety. There is something wrong,  like I have diverted from my original path, therefore, nothing feels right anymore. I’m missing Johnny so much. We are still communicating every day and I just can’t see my life without him in it.

I tried to make another digital piece about what happened to us, but I can’t finish it. I just don’t know where all the pieces fit. I can’t see the end even though we passed it together and I can’t see what’s coming. The internal blindness is uncomfortable for a control freak like myself, but at the same time it is more real than anything I’ve ever experienced before. My mind is without safety net and I am finally living my life instead of planning it. However, I feel like I am not very good at it. Not yet.

#metoo (kan även ske inom hemmets trygga väggar)

Det är som om luften tagit slut. Inget syre kvar i det här huset. X och jag pratar knappt med varandra längre. Vi är inte osams men ingenting jag har att säga känns relevant. När jag är på övervåningen är han på undervåningen och tvärtom. Jag har planerat att lämna honom i ett helt år snart. Jag har inte orkat. Inte kunnat. Väntar och väntar på rätt tillfälle. När är det rätt tillfälle att ta steget ut i ingentinget? Jag kommer att förlora allt jag har. Men jag kan inte leva i den här lögnen längre nu. Inte efter det som hände i natt.

Vi somnade som vanligt utan vidare beröring. Skenet av hans läsplatta. Mina tårar mot kudden. Han märker inte. Läsplattan släcks. Rummet blir mörkt. Precis som inne i mitt hjärta. Jag somnar, våt om ansiktet.

Jag vaknar till av att min kropp är i rörelse utan att jag själv rör en muskel. Det är så mörkt, kanske är det halv fyra, det känns så. Jag hör Xs andetag bakom mig. Jag vaknar lite mer. Hans kuk är hård och glider in och ut mellan mina lår. Jag känner hur mitt kön är varmt och vått av hans fukt. Jag förstår inte. Jag sover ju? Hans händer runt min midja. Han bökar under täcket. Som ett djur. Stönar. Grymtar. Min kropp glider fram och tillbaka på lakanet. Har vi sex? Jag fattar inte. Jag sover ju? Jag är inte vaken. Är jag vaken? Hans kuk fortsätter att såga sig in och ut ur mig. Sågar itu allt som känns verkligt. Jag vet inte varför vi har sex. Jag sover ju. Känner mig inte det minsta upphetsad. Mörkret runt mig är ingenting jämfört med det jag känner just nu. In och ut. Någon slags vätska. Halt. Min kropp som rört sig utan att jag styr. Stötvis. Hans stön. Hans njutning. Varför knullar han mig när jag sover? Ser han inte att jag inte ens är medveten om vad som sker? Jag är kissnödig. Törstig. Jag vill skrika. Jag vill försvinna. Domna bort. Men jag förblir tyst.

 

Mia Makila, 2014

The mansion

Photos from today’s furniture photo shoot at a mansion in Söderköping  (daytime job project):

I miss working with my own camera, I miss taking portraits of Karin and visualizing my inner world through the lens. I love furniture photography but I feel so at home when I am chasing the expression of the human soul, through the eyes of other people. Someone once told me; “your photography is not about other people, it is an exploration of the human soul” – although that’s what a good photographer is all about, according to me.

My natural state

I am finally back to making art again. It’s been 5 months since I finished the last piece in PhotoShop (The Blue Connection). Being creative is my natural state, so I am starting to feel like myself again. I can see that my style has changed a bit since the last 2 pieces. It has shifted from a darker expression to a more delicate and dreamy style. My collage technique has always been driven by a freudian selection of images – but I work on a much deeper level now. My new collection of works will be my most personal one yet. Like visual diary notes. Who needs therapy when you have a talent to dig into yourself and bring it out as an emotional confession through a clear visual expression?

What I want

It is raining pretty wild. It’s dark outside and the city lights and make the raindrops look like swarovski crystals. I am cozy in my apartment, trying to relax after a hectic day at work. My mind has been blanking out a lot. I’ve been feeling quite flat and numb this week. Not inspired enough to create or write anything substantiell here. However, I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want and what I need – when it comes to love, men and relationships. I believe this is the first time when I don’t have a clear vision of what I want, but slowly tearing down old ideals and desires, old stuff that never made me happy anyway.

I have been with a lot of writers. I feel at home with creative men. especially when they offer a whole inner world as a playground. But just as my own inner world is a magical place of imagination and playfulness, it is a made up world. I also want to live in the real world, where I sometimes have to look closely and wisely to recognize the magic. If it would be possible to get the best of both worlds, I would love it.

I know more about what I don’t want in love and relationships. The last 20 years have been a painful collection of such things. I don’t want to feel like guest in the relationship or in the lifestyle we would have. It is a horrible feeling, a loneliness that is so overwhelming, when you feel like a guest in your own life because you are with someone who doesn’t really understands you. I don’t want to be in something destructive, toxic or dramatic. I want something that is built on mutual respect and therefore doesn’t get explosive or overheated when confronted with an issue or a conflict. I want to feel safe, but never so safe that I get numb or fall asleep internally. I don’t want to feel caged or judged. I don’t want to be a mommy to a man ever again. I have ‘raised’ so many men in my days. Just as I don’t want to feel submissive to, or ‘rescued’ by, any man. I want to laugh a lot in a relationship. Make love instead of having sex. I want to be creative in everything, in the smallest little detail of our everyday life. I want to grow WITH a man, instead of away from him. And I always grow a lot and fast.

But, what I think is really important to me – things that have always been attractive to me, is accessibility and presence. What a great turn on to have a man who is always emotionally available, open and present. Maybe I already know what I want after all.

 

Love phobia

Another early morning. At times I am feeling like a stranger to myself. I have changed so much – and there is no way back to how things used to be. Standing on unfamiliar ground, free from my past and no filter between me and life. Although, I still have many fears to work on. Especially my fear of love that has almost turned into a phobia. I love so easily, but accepting love is the most difficult thing. But as I am confronting all my demons, I have to confront this one too.

Sleepwalker

I am so tired. Everything is moving and changing so fast. I fall asleep around 8 in the evening and wake up feeling just as tired as I did when I fell asleep. As soon as I am going through a period of change and uncertainties, my health declines and I feel fatigue. It is my primitive and subconscious survival strategy – to freeze and to play dead. It’s really annoying. I have so much to explore and experience. I don’t have the time to be a sleepwalker. How do I wake up?

Tystnaden och hjärtat

Tystnaden runt mig är en mash-up av verklighetsbrus. Det är klockor som tickar, brummande ljud från köket, bilar som parkerar utanför fönstret, fågelkvitter, polissirener från ett annat kvarter, mina egna andetag, suset från mitt blod och knastret från datorn. Ingen annan tystnad existerar. Inuti mig är det aldrig tyst.

Hjärtat har ramlat ned, sitter nu i mitten av maggropen och bankar med sina nävar mot min insida. Jag lyssnar spänt. Kan höra ända in. Har aldrig älskat med magen förut. När jag hör Johnnys röst gör det ont i magen och hjärtat drar ihop sig där inne. Ändå har vi har fått lagom distans och kan tala om allt som om vi undersöker vårt förhållande kliniskt. Det finns fortfarande så mycket kärlek. Om ändå saker vore annorlunda. Om det gick att backa. Laga. Ogöra. Hjärtat försöker få mig att höra. Kan inte. Vill kanske inte. Jag häller upp ett glas vatten, nu hör jag inte alls. Skönt.

Det är svårt att gå vidare men varje dag skjuter mig en aning framåt. Jag utforskar mig själv som fri. Njuter när jag vill njuta. Skapar när jag får lust. Städar när jag hinner. Sover när jag blir trött. Har ingen att ta hänsyn till nu. Jag bara är.

Framtiden bär på den verkliga tystnaden. Hör ju ingenting. Ser inga bilder av vad som kanske kommer ske. Drömmarna ligger som roadkill, alldeles krossade längs vägen mot framtiden. Jag sörjer varenda en precis lika mycket som jag sörjer Johnny. Våra fina drömmar. Plockar bland skärvorna och tårarna färgar dem blanka. Våra fina, trasiga drömmar.

 

 

Thursday morning

Thursday morning. Classical music while having breakfast. Enjoying the moment. I started a new piece last night. It will be a new version of the lava house.  I made once of the houses sink to the bottom of the lava ocean while the other one has disappeared into the black sky. It made me cry but at the same time feel a sense of inner peace. I wonder what will happen to the houses. This is such a sad ending to the story, but I have a feeling that they will be fine.

The next chapter

“You don’t like when you have to turn the page and now you are forced to, not only turning the page, but also to start a new chapter. No wonder you have been feeling stressed and scared lately”, she said.  I looked at my therapist and nodded. She was right. I love changes in theory but when they actually happen, I get very lost. My hypochondria is out of control, my blood pressure is way off and I haven’t been able to focus on my creativity since the break up. All these new changes have me crippled at the moment but it is time for me to take back control of my life – I made these changes happen. I welcomed them. I am not a victim of these changes –  they are part of the path I choose to follow. I don’t know where the path will lead me, what will be waiting for me in the future. There is a clean space ahead and I am free to fill it with whatever I want, with whatever I am capable of finding on this path. I just have to get through this transitional phase – and start writing my next chapter.

Lunch at the hospital

It is Tuesday and I am having lunch at the hospital before my last dentist appointment together with the therapist in my treatment for fear of the dentist. I have proved to myself that I can conquer my fears and do things that seem impossible to me. I have also studied my anxiety and see how powerful it is – how much damage it causes. To tame and soothe my anxiety is the most important thing now, otherwise I will never be able to liberate myself from my fears nor find the freedom and peace within myself that I have always needed. It is time to grow up and out of all these suffocating layers of self-protection and heavy doubts about what I am capable of.

What am I so afraid of anyway? I have survived traumas and all kinds of crap – I can survive anything that life throws at me.  Am I really afraid of more bad things – or am I petrified of the possibility that life can be easy, drama free and great? Because then, I won’t need to be in constant self-protection mode and that’s when it gets scary. To be vulnerable – and free of all the heavy layers that have worked as protective scar tissue around my soul.

Who would I become if I walked through life while remembering that I can do whatever I want? Who am I becoming just by asking this question?

Bara min

Det är en omvälvande tid. Jag har haft många omvälvande perioder i mitt liv. Den ena mer intensiv än den andra, alltid med skillnader i nyanser och kontrast. Jag känner en inre jordbävning. Marken som krackelerar. Bildar virvlande slukhål. Vibrationer på alla frekvenser. Himlen, böljande i sin färd mot nästa timme, nästa årstid – mot min nästa tidsålder. I början kämpade jag emot. Klänge mig fast på kanten av slukhålet. Försökte täppa till det med mina drömmar. Suget dödade allt i sin väg som ett hungrigt vakuum. Tills jag släppte taget. Jag låter min värld raseras nu. Tillåter det ske. Njuter nästan av att se hur den möblerade framtiden utplånas. Jag visste vart allt skulle stå. I vilken ordning. Vilken vacker illusion jag spränger sönder.

Bland spillrorna finner jag tröst. Den tomma framtiden – alldeles ren. Den är min. Kan inte komma på senast när något kändes som bara mitt.

Designing life

I am re-discovering life as if would be new to me. It is exciting and a little scary. I take the day as it comes and try not to make any plans. All the plans I had with Johnny, all the dreams we shared, are gone now anyway. The idea of making new plans or build another dream, makes me feel very uncomfortable. From now on, I want my life to be spontaneous and free.

I have also figured out why it feels like I never have any time. I think I’ve tried to hold on to my old lifestyle and tried to squeeze it into a normal life. It doesn’t work that way. When you win something you also loose something else. You sacrifice things in order to reach a higher level. And I have reached a much higher level of life now. I can feel it all the way to my bones. So, I have to sacrifice the freedom of having endless amount of time, to be able to design a good life.

I just have to ask myself what I want to fill this new life with. And, there is another man…