I am fighting this overwhelming feeling of fatigue, but I am obviously failing. I think I just have to surrender and stop fighting it. Perhaps I’ve been pushing myself too hard to get back into my routines of creativity and making art. I will try to be more patient and wait it out. I need to rest and stay away from any kind of pressure – especially if it’s coming from myself.
The photo shoot at the haunted hotel is less than a week away. I can’t wait. However it’s the first time I’m doing a photo shoot where I’m mimicking the method of my collaboration with Domenique; coming up with a story, creating characters, planning appropriate make up, costumes and attitudes. The biggest difference this time is that I have to do everything myself. Domenique was a make up artist and a stylist – I am neither. It makes me a little nervous. But if I succeed, I won’t feel as dependent on Domenique anymore.
I’ve spent this weekend trying to sort things, clean and organize my stuff so I can get rid of a lot of furniture – and make room for new ones. I have always loved to get rid of things, it’s more satisfying to me than to go shopping for new stuff. I love the process of change. It feels refreshing and hopeful.
I have a clear vision of how this apartment will look like, once I’m done with all the changes. It will take me a few months until it’ll match my vision. I guess I am being pretty creative after all…
It is morning again. My hair is wet. My heart wide-open. And my mind at peace (for now). I had strange dreams but I don’t feel affected by their strangeness. I have a hunger to express myself more. I have so much inside me that wants to be expressed and released. I am craving the magic of making something that has tension – and many dimensions. Living in the real world can be a flat experience. Dry. I want to be a rainfall of love and magic. Let me rain. All over the world.
Anyone else who’s also obsessed with the new Netflix original show – Gypsy?
It is early morning and I am on my way to work. I feel so tired – will I ever have enough energy to be creative when I get home after work? This bothers me a little. I am being sucked into real life (into the hamster wheel) and all I can do is hope that the essence of who I am won’t disappear in there.
You sacrifice your freedom to make money, in order to buy freedom because the real freedom makes you limited in this society. It’s messed up. I am not OK with this philosophy but I have no other choices right now. I miss my freedom of having time. But I don’t miss the stress and the constricted feeling of constant worrying about money.
As soon as I’ll have more energy, I will do everything I can do recreate the freedom that I miss, by starting making some real money on my art. That is my goal. This is just a little detour on my path. I know where I am going. I know what I want. And all I want – is my own definition of freedom.
I have so many different projects in motion at the same time so I haven’t had any time to write anything substantial here in a while. But I will have more time on my hands as soon as some of the projects are over. I have blogged almost every day for 11 years and what I’ve learned is that it is hard to maintain a daily flow of posts when you have so many other things going on simultaneously. I am doing the best I can.
At the moment I am busy with planning the photo shoot at the haunted hotel later this month – and looking for new pieces of furniture for me and Johnny. My apartment is small so it’s a challenge to make it work. I probably have to give up about 40% of my furniture to make room for new ones. I haven’t had the money to buy things, in at least five years. The pieces I have now is a sad collection of many broken relationships and old homes. It is like a scrapbook of different decorating styles and versions of myself. I am gonna get rid of the red IKEA couch I bought last summer, it is awfully uncomfortable – and perhaps I’ll buy a couch from my work (with a juicy discount of course). I am thinking about getting this couch together with this rug (bohemian chic style). It would look something like this:
But I am not sure would fit in here, perhaps it’ll be too crammed. I don’t want to move to a bigger place right now, because my rent is ridiculous cheap, so I have to make the most of what I’ve got.
I am feel anxious about transitional times like this. I get restless and frustrated and want the change to happen now, now, now. I have to keep in mind what my therapist used to say: “patience is the key to a balanced life”.
I just want to decorate my new life and create a beautiful home for me and Johnny. We both really deserve it. When I’ll have all the new furniture in place, there is only one thing missing in this apartment; Johnny.
This week’s episode of Twin Peaks was amazing but I was not quite prepared to be floored by this beautiful song, written by David Lynch and performed by Rebekah Del Rio. I just cried and cried, all throughout the scene. I think it’s the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard. If my soul had a voice, this is what it would sound like. While listening to it, I can feel my soul breathe and release all of its pressure and pain. It feels so good.
Today’s marketing job for the furniture store I am working at! Let the games begin!
I’ve been feeling quite emotional this weekend. Aside from my monthly hormones, I think my relationship with Johnny has gone through a change lately. For the better, but still, all changes are emotional to some degree. We have been talking every day for the last 3 years and he knows me better than any other person, including my family or old friends. Yet, we have only met twice in “real life” (whatever that means). It is a strange combination of knowing everything about each other and at the same time struggling with faded memories of the other person’s scent, kisses and touch. It can be very frustrating at times. I miss him terribly but I’ve gotten used to the geographical distance, the 9 hour time difference and just having access to one dimension of him, through the phone. Although, together “we” are multidimensional. We have built a home in each other’s heart – a home where I find strength, happiness and clarity. We can be raw, in the way we attack our own and each other’s uncomfortable issues and truths – and delicate in how we choose to deal with them. There is always sensuality. Acceptance. Understanding. There is nothing I wouldn’t be able to share with Johnny and I find a sense of freedom in that. I can be myself and I can come undone or fall apart but Johnny would never judge or humiliate. I am not used to the kindness and respect he offers me. At times, it makes me uncomfortable because I am so used to the opposite and then it’s like I don’t know how to accept the love and understanding I am given. I have freaked out many times when he loves me the most, just because it’s hard for me to trust love – or men in general.
I feel deeply grateful for being part of this experience of intimate and naked love and for being able to explore the mysteries within the red sparkling energy between us. The more I accept being loved, the more I am able to contribute to our connection – and the more I love myself, the easier it is for me to receive love. It is all connected. It just has to start within oneself. Everything has to start somewhere. Every heart has a home both inside and outside of itself.
I’ve been working in PhotoShop, but I can’t seem to finish the last piece before I finish my new collection of artworks – The Lava House. There’s something I have to go through first. A process. I have to figure something out. In the meantime, I am experimenting with an older piece I never finished. I don’t know where I am going with it yet. It is a strange and complex story in there.
Can’t get this song out of my mind. It’s sexy.
Photography by Mia Makila, 2009
I have been feeling very tired lately and today I had to stay home. I can barely keep my eyes open. Zero energy. But I have been sleeping on and off all day, hopefully I will feel better in the morning. I have also been going through all the projects I have in motion right now to sort it out – to prioritize so I can focus on one thing at a time:
- Preparing the photo shoot at the haunted hotel on July 29th
- Writing on this blog
- Finishing the last digital piece (House of Lava) in the No Place Like Home collection
- Planning the art collaboration with Mats Tusenfot
- Writing on The Anxiety Bible
- Pursuing my vision of creating a group of Swedish underground artists
- Painting on the pieces for the Dead Lolita collection
- Filming myself for Andy’s documentary about me
- Looking for Swedish galleries for my comeback show
- Preparing for a secret American group show next year
I had an amazing experience while meditating today. I saw this path in a deep forest. It was the path I have been walking on through life. The path I have created for myself. For each step I took, I continued creating the path forward. But there was a place in the forest where the trees were too many. I couldn’t find my way. I felt tired and lost. There was a armchair made of green wicker – I sat down. I knew I had to rest before I could continue my journey. Before I could decide in which direction I wanted to go next. I think this is where I am right now. I have walked on my path for such a long time. I have worked so hard to get to this place where I can finally choose where I wish to go – without any chains or restrictions. I have everything I need in order to achieve any goal or pursuit any dream. I am free now. My past is buried in the distance. My fears are losing substance. I feel stronger than ever before. I feel ready for whatever adventure I want to go for. Now, it’s time to carefully choose where to go next. To create a new path.
Sometimes, when you start to focus on the things you DON’T have – it’s good to remind yourself of what you actually DO have. I have love in my life. In my heart. In my future. I am lucky that way. There are so many things I wish were different. So many things I wish I could change – but I can’t. I feel sad about these things. But there are so much to feel happy about as well. Like having someone loving me wholeheartedly – just for being who I am at the core.
Det är tråkigt att tiden inte räcker till för alla mina projekt just nu, men jag riskerar att bli utbränd igen om jag inte börjar prioritera bland dem. Ångestbibeln är ett hjärteprojekt som jag planerat inför i flera år och jag kommer få ihop texter så den till slut kan bli en utgiven bok – men just nu har jag inte den tiden jag skulle önska att jag hade för att kunna ägna mig åt att skriva på den. Det var betydligt lättare för mig att skriva och underhålla sidan innan jag fick en heltidstjänst – nu har jag svårt att få ihop allt som ska göras när jag kommer hem om kvällarna; skriva här på bloggen, marknadsföring på sociala medier, mejla gallerister, skapa konst till två utställningar, låta mig filmas till en dokumentär, planera fotoprojekt, samarbetet med Mats Tusenfot, vara social och samla ihop konstnärer till ett framtida kulturkollektiv osv. Dessutom har jag ju Johnny på andra sidan världen som jag bygger en relation med. Jag räcker helt enkelt inte till just nu för allt jag vill ta mig för.
Jag har funderat på detta i flera veckor nu och kommit fram till att arbetet med Ångestbibeln måste prioriteras bort för tillfället. MEN den fortsätter att vara levande och jag KOMMER uppdatera den, men sporadiskt och i mån av tid. Jag kommer hålla er uppdaterade här när jag postat nya texter på Ångestbibeln. Det kan bli några åt gången ibland eller enstaka poster då och då. Viktigast är att texterna är välskrivna och inte hastigt ihopslängda i någon slags panik. Det vore väldigt meta om Ångestbibeln skulle börja ge mig ångest liksom.
Photographs, destroyed by weather and sunshine, that I found on a grave at the Woodland Cemetery, Stockholm, 2014. They are both haunting and intriguing. I wonder who she was?
Hello, from me!
I woke up this morning feeling a little more energized – and I’ve had a great day at my job, making graphic design work in PhotoShop all day. Of course, I had no desire what so ever, to open the software on my computer once I got home. But I will dedicate this evening to my Swedish writing project and to enjoying some classical music.
I am thinking about how lucky I am to have found a job with such amazing co-workers. It was so important to me while I was looking for a job – to find a place in the ‘real world’ where I feel accepted for who I am – both as a person and as an artist. I have had too many bad experiences of bad workplaces where I felt completely wrong and ended up looking like a freak because my mind works in such a different way. I know I love ‘too much’ – too easily, too intense and to happily. It might intimidate some people. I know I am creative in everything I do, in every area of life and that it can be overwhelming for people who ‘numb’ their creative nerve in order to get through life without any inner chaos. I am also aware that I am loud about who I am and I demand the space I need – and it is provocative for some people. But I am not going to apologize for these things anymore. I feel proud of it and the people I have in my life right now are celebrating those qualities with me. I feel so grateful.
Tonight I am planning my upcoming photo shoot at the haunted hotel later this month – and there are wigs all over my floor!
I am so tired. I feel like my body is barely able to function. I tried to meditate twice today but I fell asleep both times. The summer heat doesn’t help. I hope I’m, not getting sick. Perhaps I am just tired from working full time again. I hope this is just temporary – because I have so much to do – so many projects to plan. There is no time for this sleepwalking now.
At this point, I have a clear vision of what I wish to accomplish with creating the group of Swedish underground artists and creators. It is an important project and I feel like I could contribute something rare and beautiful to the art community here. I have at least 10-15 artist on my list already. To me, it doesn’t matter if they are professional artists or not, as long as their expressions are genuine and exciting. I don’t want us to be an elitist group – but a group of artists who just love to express ourselves, using an underground statement or the perspective of an outsider.
Me and Mats Tusenfot
I feel so high on the raw, creative juices flowing inside my mind right now! I’ve spent the whole day with my artist friend Mats Tusenfot at a café – brainstorming ideas for an upcoming collaboration. The meeting was, as always, intense and packed with inspiring stories, creative ideas and deep conversations about life, death, sex – and of course about art. I love the warm and glowing energy we generate together just by talking. To me, that is magical, to be able to connect deeply with another artist – with a friend. This collaboration will be a long-term project that will be presented to the public in a future art show. I just know it will be amazing, I can feel it. We share a visual language – you can see it in our artworks and it is rare and beautiful to be able to talk to someone else in a language most people don’t have access to. Through our art, we are able to create a world of our own. This world has its own rules – or perhaps lack of them and a different kind of gravity that pulls us in a direction that feels both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. It is the feeling of being home but not in the place you usually call home. I love that. Being at the edge of what you know and love – and the great unknown.