I only have a few more days left until I start my new job on Thursday. I will continue to rest and collect energy. I try to meditate as often as I can.
Johnny and I are building our home, piece by piece and I feel closer to him than I ever have. As soon as we discover an issue or a problem, we solve it by being creative in our communication. It’s a good thing we are both artists. I am missing him so much, but we have learned to live with the frustration of not being able to touch, smell or look each other in the eyes. It is like we have found our own way of doing all those things, on a different level of our consciousness. This is the first time in my life where I feel seen in every way – and loved for everything I am. It is making me feel free to express myself in a louder voice, both socially and in my art. Johnny has had a great influence on my art since I first got to know him in 2013. Being a writer, he inspired me to bring out my own poetry that I started to put into my work the year after our first chat.
I am excited to find out how we can build something beautiful together in our work too. A collaboration. My future holds so many wonderful things. And I am so close to it now that I can almost touch it.
I shared a lovely Sunday afternoon with my parents, barbecuing and discussing silly things like Trump as well as amazing things like David Lynch’s 10 minutes standing ovation for his revival of Twin Peaks in Cannes a few days ago. I also brought my Canon and tried to capture them off guard and I also got great shots of them together. It was a nice day. It even started to rain for a while and made their garden smell heavenly.
It is the last weekend before I start my new daytime job. I have been isolated pretty much all week, to keep my focus and my energy clean.
I have finished the digital piece “The Pink House” – it is the first chapter in the story about my houses. It is based on the pink building where I shared the first apartment with the abuser. It is the first crime scene of my trauma. It is very personal. I have added the color blue in my personal mythology as the color of disconnection.
Now, there is only one piece left, then my collection about the houses is complete. It feels so good. I’ve been working on it for three years now. I have already started working a few new pieces, which will be included in the Lolita collection, and it’s a different tone than in the house collection. I am growing as an artist – growing out of old mannerisms and into new expressions. My latest body of work is much more balanced than my older works. There is a clarity to them, perhaps mirroring my present state of mind, while the old ones displayed my inner chaos.
But the compositions are the same – I’ve always been a “walking Freudian slip”.
I wonder how my art will transform once I start my new job. I will have less time to create, of course, but I will be more stimulated, both creatively and socially. It means a lot to me. I have made 17 digital artworks this year already, 2 paintings and since my birthday in March when Johnny sent me the camera, I’ve had four photo sessions. I have also launched my writing project The Anxiety Bible (Ångestbibeln) and in early January, I had to recreate the new art site on this site, which was a lot of work. I have worked so hard and I have proved to myself that I can do anything I set my mind to.
I am ready to start a new chapter in my life.
One of my previous daytime jobs was as a waitress at a café (Visitors Center) at the Woodland Cemetery in Stockholm. It was in this beautiful building. It reminded me of The Big Northern Hotel in Twin Peaks. And I loved being surrounded by people who was mourning or visiting the graves of their loved ones and having some waffles and coffee while contemplating and enjoying the summer heat, in the middle of the woods.
As this weekend eventually comes to an end and my digital collection about the houses as well, my old life will end too. It is the best feeling ever.