This made my day! ♥
Here is a fun collage of how my art has evolved throughout the years. I started making “dark art” in 2006, three years after a very destructive and abusive marriage. You can trace my inner journey in these works as well as my artistic metamorphosis.
Lately, I’ve been focused on coming up with a new strategy for my comeback in the art world. I need to analyze my brand, my market and just how big my ambition is, so that I can be more clear about who I am as an artist and what I have to offer the world. Just as I’ve gone from being very open about my private life here on the blog, to focusing more on my art, that’s what I’ll do in all social context. No wonder my new favorite symbol to represent myself with – is a seashell (which is the main theme in my current works in progress). I am a seashell who’s home within herself, protected from life on the outside but at the same time, producing beautiful pearls (art) like gifts to the world.
At times I feel like I have too many ideas and way too much inspiration for my own sanity. Or maybe I just don’t have the proper time to do all the things that needs to come out. It’s overwhelming and very frustrating. I know that I won’t be able to live like this forever – that at some point I need to break free from this “real life” if I want to pursue, what David Lynch refer to as, “the art life”. I’ve done it before, I know how difficult it is and how much I need to sacrifice
I have always felt torn between these two worlds; reality and my own inner world of magic and imagination. I feel like don’t belong in the real world but I also know that I can’t survive in my own creation. Therefore I am forced to compromise, just like any other artist. The trick is to find a productive balance between reality and magic – and in the end; the balance of time and focus.
I need to find a way to move between many realities at the same time without getting distracted. I am not ready to break free yet. Staying in the real world is good for me – but I desperately need my world of artistic freedom and intellectual independence. I think I might get sick if I don’t find a way to incorporate the art life within the real life. That will be this year’s big challenge.
Here are my portraits of Johnny from earlier this week. Johnny’s back in California now but editing these photos makes me feel like he is still here with me – and he is, in so many ways. ♥
My life is no longer about survival and healing, I am finally living my life, moving away from my past and everything dark. I am reclaiming my self-esteem and finding more of myself everyday that passes – but it isn’t the main focus anymore. I can’t remember the last time when life was just chugging along like this, without any traumatic events. It feels great. Johnny is here with me and we are trying to figure things out for the future. My life, right now, is all about moving onward from my past and forward into the future, while being present in the here and now, it is a balancing act of; time, memories, visions and all the layers of reality. I feel like the more balanced everything is, the clearer my self-perception is. I can see myself with much more clarity. I see where I am damaged and messed up. Where I need extra care. Where my potentials lay. I see my strengths and my talents and how they are so unexplored. I can see when I need to ask for help, when it’s time to let go – or when it’s time to fight for something. I can see how I deserve to be treated, loved and respected.
I can also see how the older versions of myself are still present, especially on this blog and on social media. I share so much of myself with the world – I love to share – but why do I share this much? It is in my nature to be open and honest about my feelings and most people appriciate it and get inspired (a beautiful echo). It has also caused me much suffering throughout the years. Some people have taken advantage of my most wonderful qualities, so they could try to control, manipulate, punish and destroy me. They have succeeded a few times. I have been hated and abused, not because of something I’ve done, but simply because of who (they think) I am.
I have been blogging and writing public diary entries, almost daily for 13 years. I was 26 when I started to blog, today I am almost 39. I have gone through a number of metamorphosis during these years and perhaps the most important ones have happened in these last couple of years. I can’t relate to the Mia who wrote the first entries in her blog in 2005, I can’t even relate to the Mia who wrote the first post on this blog in 2015.
The writing helped me get through some really hard times and reaching out to – you – was my way of feeling connected to a world I was not really part of at the time. Sharing my soul and wounds helped me connect with other people, it inspired them and their feedback gave me strength to continue my journey out of the darkness.
Why do I still share so much of myself? Isn’t my art personal enough? Why do I let all my readers into my very core? The questions are hard to answer, mostly because I’ve gotten so used to writing like this. However, since I got my daytime job at the furniture store, I haven’t had enough time to write and it has made me look at it from a new perspective.
I know I have a great talent in writing and I am planning on writing on a professional level as soon as I find more time. I will always be personal in my writing, it will always be raw and delicate, honest and real, just like it has been in this blog – but I long to write something substantial in Swedish, the language where my talent can flow without any barriers. I long to live my life without being stressed about having to update the blog or faced with loss of readers. I just want to be. I just want to live. I just want to write – but for myself this time. When I write these blog posts, I have to censor a lot, cut out important but private emotions or thoughts. I don’t want to censor anything anymore. I don’t want to share myself so intimately with people anymore, especially not with people who don’t deserve to know me that way. Some of my readers are part of the past I am trying to move away from. I need to close in around myself so that I can open up all my potential.
Therefore, I will stop sharing intimate diary notes on this blog and focus on creative updates regarding my art. I won’t update daily, but please visit my blog once in a while to follow my journey back into the art world.
Thank you for reading and for your interest in me and my art. I sincerely wish that you will all have an amazing new year!
Så jävla typiskt att vi blev sjuka. Detta är tredje gången Johnny är här – och tredje gången någon av oss har blivit dålig. Men det stoppar inte mig från att njuta av hans närvaro och mellan febertopparna växer en vision sig allt starkare. En vision om hur jag vill fortsätta leva mitt liv, om vad som är viktigt för mig nu och vad som inte längre känns viktigt eller relevant. Precis som jag gjort inför varje nytt år, sedan uppbrottet i Stockholm för snart fyra år sedan, går jag in i det nya året med en del förändringar. Jag ska berätta mer om dem i ett senare inlägg, nu måste jag vila lite.
2017 was the year when I got back into the amazing flow in my creativity. The artworks of 2017 are both bolder and more intricate than the artworks from last year. They are also darker – but with more elements of vibrant colors. In total I made 18 artworks this year – 16 of them were digital works, including two collaboration pieces with Candice Angelini – and also one painting and one mixed media piece.
From now on, I will have two weeks of Christmas vacation. Tomorrow, I’ll meet up with Johnny in Stocholm and I feel both very excited and a little nervous. It’s funny how well we know each other’s hearts and minds but our bodies are still a bit unfamiliar and unexplored. I can’t remember his smell or the sensation from his kisses, but soon I’ll be reminded.
These last few months have gone by so fast. I haven’t had the proper time to write, make art, meet up with friends or even be myself all the way. I need these free weeks to get centered and to get rooted in my own little world again. This time, I will have company of the person who loves me the most and who I love most. I feel indescribable grateful.
The other day I had a strong vision of my future art show. I won’t tell the story about ‘no place like home’ anymore, but weave in the houses and homes into a new collection that is more vast and complex. I will make a hell of a show. I can’t wait to show you.
Thank you, Pamela Jaskoviak for the playlist ♥
It is Saturday morning and it’s time to enter my own world instead of being part of the real one. This weekend I’ll try to be creative and more importantly – I’ll create my annual “life plan” for next year. I have to sit down to map out all my goals, dreams and visions for next year. Since I’ve made such amazing progress in all areas of my life this year, I don’t have to be too hard on myself in 2018. I just have to continue doing whatever I am already doing. But there is so much I wish to accomplish. The key to all those things is to start accepting myself completely and to improve my self esteem to a degree that nothing can trigger my inner wound to bleed anymore. I will always have scars, I will always have sore spots – but I have to stop the bleeding for good.
Du är bara 8 dagar bort. Jag är här. Väntar på dig. Hela mitt liv väntar på att du ska komma och fylla det med din värme.
I started a new digital collage this weekend. It is a very calm piece, charged of course, like everything else I am making, but more dreamy.
At times I feel like I could be many artist into one. I can be raw. I can be sweet. I can be funny. I can be serious. My art always fluctuate between dreamy images and more nightmarish ones. I think I will always express myself in a dark way – and perhaps I will have more than one nuance of light and darkness in my art – but I believe that I am evolving from a place of pain to something more serene. Just like I am in life as well.
Oh, yes they are! ♥