The unknown

I am stuck in a heavy place and I need to find a way out. This heartache with the flu, the eye migraine and a horrible case of the monthly hormone storm is a little bit too much for me. I don’t sleep well at night and wake up all drained. I will do everything I can to feel better, because right now, I need myself to be the strongest me. I need my art, I need to laugh, to feel alive again. I need to feel passion. Pleasure. Happiness. These were reasons why I made the decision to end my relationship in the first place. I can’t fall apart because of my own decision. It doesn’t make sense.

I have been so scared of the unknown – and here I am right at the edge of it. Time to make friends with it instead of running away.

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Nollställd

Vilken omvälvande tid. Jag bryter mig loss från mina egna drömmar. Jag lösgör mig från min egen cementerade förställning om vad kärlek är och vad det borde vara. Just nu vet jag ingenting om hur jag vill att kärleken ska se ut. Vilken färg den ska ha. Vilka mönster som den bör skapa inom mig. Jag har börjat tvivla på om kärlek överhuvudtaget matchar mina behov – om jag kan ställa de krav på andra som jag gjort fram tills nu. Eller kanske har jag inte ställt nog med krav?

Känner mig nollställd. Till allt. Vet jag överhuvudtaget vart jag är på väg? Är en bit ur kurs, fast ändå i en riktning jag själv har valt. Jag får ge denna tid lite tålamod, fastän den är ganska obekväm.

Tänker på Johnny. Jag sörjer fortfarande. Varje dag, lite i taget. Gråter ibland. Kramar kuddar och snorar ned dem med min gråt. Sedan blir jag tom och stirrar blank framför mig. Svåra omständigheter kvävde vår kärlek. Och det var kärlek. Äkta jävla kärlek. Men den blev kvävd. Jag med. Jag behöver andas nu. Flyga. Virvla runt som ett höstlöv genom verkligheten. Jag behöver lättheten av vinden under mig. Orkar inte med att känna tyngder av bly dra mig nedåt marken. Vill inte ens veta av tyngden av mina egna drömmar. Fuck it, låt mig bara få virvla!

 

911

On Thursday, I had to call Swedish 911 because I thought I was losing my vision. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I got a strange and overwhelming rainbow/shimmering/flashing phenomena in my field of vision. It grew bigger and bigger until my whole reality looked like a burning painting by Picasso. Very scary. I panicked and called the emergency number. They tried to calm me down and told me to lay down with my feet erect. It went away  after a while, but I felt cloudy in my vision and a little lightheaded for a long time afterwards. I am OK now, but I was really scared. Going blind is one of my biggest fears – I am an artist and my eyes are an extension of my heart.

It is most likely some form of eye migraine (with visual aura) – due to stress. I have been emotionally very stressed lately and it’s not helping that I got stuck in bed with the flu. I have so much I need to do, so much to accomplish. But, I need to continue to rest and relax. This weekend is a perfect opportunity for me to meditate and try to center myself even more. I miss Johnny and our future – but I know this is a phase of acceptance and letting go.

Even if there are a lot of bad things happening right now, I feel happier than ever. I just have to keep reminding me of where I want to go. I am getting closer and closer to a life that feels autentic and true to who I am.

This is how the eye migraine felt like:

Raw material

I have been fighting a head cold for a few days and today I had to stay in bed. My head feels like a diving bell.

However, my heart is slowly healing. I am a person who mourns something before it is gone. Like I can sense that it fading out. Dying. How it’s disappearing before it actually happens. This is why it is easier from me to move on – while Johnny, on the other hand, is more present in his grief. We are there for each other and holding each other’s hand through the pain.

Even in dark times like this, I feel stronger than ever. I even feel pretty happy – not in this present situation of course, but within myself.

No wonder I haven’t been able to finish the last piece of my collection about finding ‘home’ in love and life – The Lava House, that was supposed to be the finale piece –  the happy ending with Johnny sailing across the Atlantic ocean (of glowing lava) to my continent. There wasn’t any happy ending and I could not finish the piece because I want to be honest in my art – and on some subconscious level I think I knew it was not a happy piece after all. I guess I have to put this piece aside and start working on new ones and continue the story about the houses. I have some new ideas and the heartache I am going through, is filled with raw material for more works. This collection is therefore still an ongoing project.

A new beginning

I am slowly finding my way back through the sadness. One day at the time. Today is the first day in a long time when I don’t wake up crying or feeling like there is a weight on my heart. I am beginning a new chapter and it will be a great one. I am letting go of everything I know about love. It feels really good.

The end

I’ve gone through many overwhelming processes lately. Johnny and I got stuck in a painful cul-de-sac. We got lost in our dreams – and in the oppressive nature of a cruel reality. Maintaining a long distance relationship is hard, but even harder when it’s disrupted by an external force.

We have been forced to let go of each other in order to find more of ourselves and to dig deeper into life, that lies beyond our own little world that we have been building for almost three years.

Our relationship has come to an end, but our love story will forever continue. I am crying as I am writing this because love was never an issue – there is still so much love. Complicated circumstances and bad timing has been haunting us from the beginning and unexpected problems have somehow always tried to separate us. I guess the stars were never really aligned for us. Maybe one day they will shine bright for us on a clear sky, maybe they never will.

Johnny has taught me so much about love, life, about myself and he’s opened up my eyes about so many things I couldn’t see before. I feel so grateful for having shared a part of my life with him. Johnny has the most beautiful heart I’ve ever known. What a privilege it is to know I will always have a place in it, just like he’ll always have a place in mine.

As we dive into the terrifying darkness of the unknown – I also feel hopeful that there is a new beginning around the corner. A new chapter where anything is possible. I just have to get through this painful place first. I really need my art right now.

Struwwelpeter

The other day, my artist friend Mats and I were talking about images that terrified us as children – since we both ended up working with dark motifs and horror elements in our art. Here are some of the images that really frightened me as a little girl:

I am sure these images have helped shape me as an artist.

Anchor points

It has been a very intense period, filled with both pain and love. Some things are broken and other things are healing. Complicated and at the same time natural in its complexities. I have been focused on my job and exploring new sides to myself as I am entering the ‘real world’ and becoming one with it. I am fascinated with how well I fit in it and how well it suits me – however, I still need to hold on to certain elements of my own world that is my true home in this life. Therefore. I have come up with ‘anchor points’ that will keep me grounded in my private world. The anchor points will work as a gravity that will pull me closer to myself and everything that is me – it can be listening to classical music, jazz, being creative with my art and writing, watching movies I love, reading books, meditation and meeting friends. I will try to focus on these things as soon as I step out of the office. I need MY world – and it needs me too!

Julee

My friend and legendary Twin Peaks singer Julee Cruise just posted my old portrait of her on her Instagram! Rumor has it that she will be performing in one of the last two episodes of the new season of Twin Peaks that airs tonight in the US. Even if my name is misspelled, I feel so grateful and happy. Can’t wait to see her on Twin Peaks. I just know it will be magical.

“Julee’s Wor´ld” by Mia Makila, 2012, digital collage

Skogar av glas

Mina tankar slirar. Svindlar. Jag vet ingenting om nånting längre. Allt är vidöppet. Och rått. Varje tanke är en färskvara. Håller bara några sekunder, innan den omvandlas till ett minne av något som aldrig skett. Jag tittar ut över min halvtomma lägenhet. Så många gamla möbler är borta nu. Har rensat bort saker som är färgade av en annan tid. Som kroppar av trä, påträngande och hårda. Vill inte känna så. Men lägenheten känns tom på flera sätt. Det är en yta. Platt. Det står några möbler här och där men annars är den platt och tom.

Jag genomgår ännu en förändring. En storslagen sådan. Fast, kanske är alla förändringar på något sätt storslagna, även fast de är små. Jag gör revolt. Mot vad, vet jag inte riktigt, men jag spjärnar emot där jag finner en begränsning. Vill gå längre. Nå in djupare. Riva hela min värld öppen för att känna saften innanför tränga ut – läcka genom verkligheten och rinna längs mina konturer.

Allt är lite skissartat. Allt.

Johnny och jag genomgår en kris. Fast jag är rädd, håller jag mig över ytan och kan andas. Det finns saker i vägen. Det har alltid funnits något i vägen. Den här gången har vi nästan blivit lite vana. Kan hantera det på ett bättre sätt. Kanske är detta rätt ögonblick att se bortom normen. Att forma, bygga, skapa ett liv som känns helt rätt, på alla sätt. Jag vill kunna känna ett flow i allt jag gör. I kärlek. Lust. Sex. I konsten. Jag vill flowa genom tid och rum – skapa en magisk frekvens som bara jag och dem jag älskar har tillgång till. Jag behöver inte förståelse utav resten av världen.

Smärtan av en kris är också helande. Det är en chans att växa. Odla skogar av glas. Stränder. Bränder. Städer av ljus. Spränga verkligheter i tusen bitar.

Har så mycket kärlek i mitt liv. Om ni bara visste. Inuti mig själv rasar också en ständig kärlek som liksom glöder i ådrorna. Det brinner i varje andetag. Ibland vet jag inte vad jag ska göra av mig själv. Min kropp är alldeles för liten för en sådan stor brand.

Walls

The walls of an abandoned factory building. My photos from today’s location scouting for a photo shoot later this week – I love my daytime job!

A living dream

I am going through something very private at the moment. It is scary and wonderful – but it is hard for me to write about. I am really building a life that is my own creation. So much hard work. So much pain. But you have no idea how liberating it is to create a life that is not based on any pre-made idea or normality (and numbing conformity). I have a clear vision of what kind of life I want for myself in the future. I want to explore so many sides to myself that I haven’t been able to explore before; I will become a writer, I want to explore my sexuality, eroticism and sensuality – I want to dare to love deeper and to experience pleasure that has been out of my reach, on a much higher level.

To make this journey is complicated. I have no one to ask for advice or guidance. This is my journey, it is only meant for me. There aren’t any guidelines. No manuals. Not even a clear path to follow. I have been so used to merely ‘surviving’ life after my traumas. Life was painful in every area and my focus was on getting through one hardship after the other. For 20 years. Now, I am on the other side of the darkness. Getting used to the light. I still feel blinded at times.

I am not in ‘survival mode’ anymore. I want to LIVE. LOVE. CREATE. Create magic in everything I do – in who I am becoming. Creating magic in my art, magic in other people’s hearts and minds, in the way I look at the world (as a playground). I wish to create a life that I could call a living dream.

I just have to go on dreaming the dream so I can follow it all the way to the very edge  – and turn it into some kind of reality. You can call me crazy –  and maybe I am – but somehow I know that this is possible. Like I have always known it’s possible; to create a life outside what people consider ‘normal’ and ‘real’ by using the magic of creativity and imagination.

Familiar composition

My dad sent me this photo of me as s little girl, and I thought it was a bit uncanny how the composition matches some of my recent artworks! This is “Healing” from 2017.