It is like a part of me is refusing to get back into the world of making art. Obviously, I have something else I have to go through first. I think that thing is this new way I am exploring all the new sides to myself – sides that I haven’t been able to explore before. Now, when I have a daytime job, I get to be social and interact with other people. It is a vast contrast to my old life – and my days of isolation and loneliness. I am discovering who I am in the world outside the walls of my studio and outside my own head. It is healthy and exciting – but also time consuming. I wish I had more time to play, create, love and laugh. I can’t believe I used to have so much time to do all those things, but somehow I wasted it on other things (like worrying, crying, daydreaming and panicking). I wasn’t aware of how precious time really is. Now I do. I am investing a lot of time in building new friendships – and restoring old ones, in my relationship with Johnny and in getting completely into the flow of my new job.
I really dislike how I am neglecting important parts of myself, but I can’t seem to make everything come together at the moment. I have been searching for my place in the world for a long time (all my life?) without ever finding it – and now I am finally creating that place for myself and working really hard to achieve all my goals. This takes both time and energy. I can feel how I am changing, growing, expanding my mind and becoming more and more conscious about myself and the mysteries of life itself. My two new and on-going collections of artworks are starting to feel a bit old. I have been working on them for almost four years. It is like I am stepping out of an old era and into a new one – without knowing anything about where I am going next. I love it but I feel a bit lost when I am not following a clear vision.
As I am getting rid of old stuff, cleaning out my closet and buying new furniture for my future life with Johnny – I can’t help looking at my easel and all my art supply and wonder if I am ever gonna paint again. If I even like it anymore. I haven’t been painting since early spring and even then it felt a little forced. I can’t seem to find the right media for my artistic expressions. Until I find that perfect outlet for my creativity, I think I will continue to feel a little lost. This of course, is part of the self-exploration that I am currently going through. Looking for answers. Searching for new questions to ask.