It is Friday morning. White skies. I’m having a terrible cold – coughing, fever, staying in bed. I haven’t had much time to myself lately, nor the energy to write anything – and yet I have so much to say, so much I wish to express. I’ve seen so much beauty to life lately, I’ve found some keys to unlock more happiness.
Johnny makes me feel safe enough to explore my deepest desires when it comes to living truthfully to who I am and wholeheartedly. The more I reveal about myself to him – and to myself, the more I feel liberated and free, even though it includes some uncomfortable truths and uncertainties. I allow myself to have doubts, to rethink, to take a step back to find answers on my own so I can contribute to our relationship in a more honest way.
Lately, I’ve been asking myself if it is realistic to ask Johnny to live up to all my expectations and needs. What am I ready to sacrifice. Which sides of myself are impossible to satisfy. What is normal for us vs normal according to society, normalities which are not always compatible. Are we looking at each other or observing ourselves, filtered through the eyes of others.
Even though I am sick and drained, I feel completely awake and alive on the inside.
My apartment is a mess. I’m getting rid of the old stuff to make room for new furniture. It’s a reflection of what I’m going through internally. My thoughts is a collection of questions, a beautiful work in progress. Asking questions – asking the right questions – will first create chaos but result in some kind of awakening. I love that.