I’ve been feeling quite emotional this weekend. Aside from my monthly hormones, I think my relationship with Johnny has gone through a change lately. For the better, but still, all changes are emotional to some degree. We have been talking every day for the last 3 years and he knows me better than any other person, including my family or old friends. Yet, we have only met twice in “real life” (whatever that means). It is a strange combination of knowing everything about each other and at the same time struggling with faded memories of the other person’s scent, kisses and touch. It can be very frustrating at times. I miss him terribly but I’ve gotten used to the geographical distance, the 9 hour time difference and just having access to one dimension of him, through the phone. Although, together “we” are multidimensional. We have built a home in each other’s heart – a home where I find strength, happiness and clarity. We can be raw, in the way we attack our own and each other’s uncomfortable issues and truths – and delicate in how we choose to deal with them. There is always sensuality. Acceptance. Understanding. There is nothing I wouldn’t be able to share with Johnny and I find a sense of freedom in that. I can be myself and I can come undone or fall apart but Johnny would never judge or humiliate. I am not used to the kindness and respect he offers me. At times, it makes me uncomfortable because I am so used to the opposite and then it’s like I don’t know how to accept the love and understanding I am given. I have freaked out many times when he loves me the most, just because it’s hard for me to trust love – or men in general.
I feel deeply grateful for being part of this experience of intimate and naked love and for being able to explore the mysteries within the red sparkling energy between us. The more I accept being loved, the more I am able to contribute to our connection – and the more I love myself, the easier it is for me to receive love. It is all connected. It just has to start within oneself. Everything has to start somewhere. Every heart has a home both inside and outside of itself.