I am now into the groove of working full time at the furniture store. Daily meditation keeps me balanced and focused. Although I haven’t been making any art after work, I am taking a little break – I have made almost 20 works already this year so it is time to clean the palette and reload my creative energy. It’s just ridiculous that I only have one single digital piece left to finish in order to wrap up the new collection. At least I know that I am so close to starting a new process – the beginning of a whole new vision to follow. It excites me. I have always loved endings – to finish something that has come to an end. I’d much rather throw things away than I’d buy new things. It is strange, since I am sensitive to abandonment and losing things I hold dear. There is just such a freeing power in the relief of getting rid of something old and dead. Old beliefs. Dead relationships. Distorted self-images. Decor and masks that hide my true nature. It is liberating to leave all those negative things behind. The difficult thing is to go through the pain of realizing what is missing, of accepting what has to go and what I need to say goodbye to. I don’t know why I am so scared of losing the things I love, because the truth is that every time I have lost something dear to me – my life has improved and I have felt more free and closer to my own core. It is such a mysterious paradox. Perhaps because I do embrace endings, is why I am not obsessed with the concept of Death. I am not afraid of Death – although I am very scared of the thought of suffering while dying. Not only physically but also emotionally and spiritually. I have died so many times already in my life. I have been resurrected many times too. Reborn. Deconstructed. Reinvented.
I see my life as an experiment. I don’t take myself too seriously and I am deeply grateful for the things I have and for the people who are generous enough to share their hearts and lives with me as well. It is important to be humble and understand the correct value of things (and to let go of the unimportant) – only then is personal growth possible.
The reinvention of the self is painful but the most rewarding experience in life. To get rid of the heavy weight of fear, rage, resentment or the emptiness of numbing and self-abandonment, is like suddenly understanding how to breathe with the soul. And when you breathe – you live. You love. You create.
When you live, love and create, both on your inner journey and also in your work, there are no limitations for what you can achieve. And you are free to reinvent yourself over and over again until the experiment has come to an end. We are all free like that. But it comes with the responsibility of actually asking the right questions. Who have I become? Who do I want to become next?