“The job of the artist is always to deepen the mystery” ― Francis Bacon

Photo of me by photographer Jonas Tetzlaff, 2010

There is so much I want to do now once I will have money again (starting at the end of the month). I have been broke for almost a decade, which means I haven’t had the chance to invest money in bigger projects or had the chance to travel or do anything other than to survive. It is crazy how I’ve been trying to avoid the subject of money. It has always been a source of distress and pressure ever since my abusive marriage, where I was forced into a financial submission. It has also been mirroring my bad self-esteem and sense of low self-worth. The lack of money has been the last tie to my past, the last cage to escape. I am free now. Finally. I know I am worthy of success and happiness. I am submissive to none.

My plan is to buy some new furniture and plan for my life with Johnny in this apartment. I want him to feel at home, and I will create the perfect home for both of us. Johnny is a writer, so I want his to have a little library, and I will have a studio corner instead of a whole room until we’ll find a bigger place.I will arrange for a local thrift store to come pick up some old furniture, I want to get rid of the fragments of my old life that I still surround myself with. My rent is really cheap so I don’t want to move right now, it will give me the chance to invest money in my creative projects. Making art shows, buying props and things for my photography ideas and to save up for bigger investments. I have so many ideas I want to embody and transform into artistic expression. I have so many dreams to catch.

This is not only the beginning of a new life – it is also a time where I am changing as an artist. I want to be more focused. Tell better stories. Dig deeper into the metaphysical mysteries. Be bolder. More honest. Learning how to be more raw yet more subtle. “The job of the artist is always to deepen the mystery”, Francis Bacon once said. That is exactly what I wish to do.

I have so much inspiration. I have watched this week’s episode of Twin Peaks twice already. I am still too drained after work to be able to work at night, but I will eventually find a balance between work and rest. It is all about finding balance. In everything. That is how you are able to maintain a lasting happiness.

I feel grateful for everything I have in my life. The good thing about overcoming hard times is that you’ll never take anything for granted again. Not happiness, success, money, love or peace of mind. It is truly beautiful and rare to be able to share a short moment in history on this Earth. To experience the deep mystery that is life.


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