My true Death

Yesterday was really intense and I didn’t get much time to write here, but so much is happening. As I am getting to know Karin, who could be a new muse, a local documentary maker has showed interest in me and my art. My days are now filled with meetings and creativity. I love it. Even though I am struggling with money issues and a low self-esteem at times, my vision about where I am heading with my career is crystal clear. I think it has always been. Already at the age of 5, I asked the teachers at my kindergarten to let me stay inside so I could draw and paint, instead of playing with the other children outdoors. “I am gonna be an artist when I grow up!”, I explained and they let me stay inside to be in my own world. When I was 14 I knew what my destiny was – a life of creativity and imagination. That is when I decided to go for the dream of becoming a real artist. I also loved acting and dancing. I wanted to express myself all the time. In every way. I still do. No wonder I was so obsessed with Madonna and her song Express Yourself. It was my anthem. I cried every time I watched her perform it during the Blonde Ambition Tour.

Performing in junior high (age 13-14), I am the dancer to the left in the first picture and the one in the denim shorts, and then dressed up like Madonna in a black beret.

Me (left) and my friends hanging out in my room (1992).

With another friend, writing short stories inspired by the books about Nancy Drew. I think I’m trying to vogue or something (1993).

It is like the lifelong vision I’ve always carried with me, is starting to become more real. I have also understood how destructive it is for me to abandon this vision – once I do I start to die on the inside. Almost literally. I get deeply depressed and at times I have felt close to being suicidal. I can never let it happen again. Ever. My creativity and the artistic expressions I have inside me comes before everything else in this life. Even before love. I know it sounds strange and selfish to most people, although I think other artist would understand – but what I carry inside is larger than myself, it belongs to the world.

Me and a customer and the commissioned piece “Somewhere over the rainbow” (2005).

If someone would force me to stop expressing myself, I would get ill. Perhaps it is one of the reasons why the new TV series The Handmaid’s Tale affects me so deeply. To be forced to be someone other than myself, something less than I am, someone less intelligent, creative, ambitious or someone less open and vulnerable in a strong and positive way – equals death to me. That is the real death – not when I am old or get sick and die. To die while I am still living and to lose myself to outside pressure or to the fear of being who I am really am – that is my true death. 

I have died so many times in this life already. I was dead for many years and I have been born just as many times. Reinvented and resurrected. But I have never truly lived. Until now. I have just started living my true life.


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