I woke up early and while watching a Bergman movie in bed, the morning sun is coloring my room in a warm light. My feet are cold but I feel the warmth of the light. It’s been an intense week. My life looks very different from last year. My old lifestyle is like a bad dream. Waking up from it, liberates many creative thoughts of how life could be, feel, look like. I am choosing what my life is. I am no longer a slave to the consequences of other people’s judgement, which used to be the base to my moods and limitations. I feel free. The only limitations I have, is the geographical distance to Johnny and lack of money. But I am working on it.
I used to have more painful problems in the past; when will X actually accidentally kill me while he’s choking me with his hands while he’s sitting on top of me. His hands are slim and cold but I am not sure they aren’t capable of being strong enough. Or, which humiliation will Y send in his first hateful text message of the day. Or; I don’t know who I am anymore because no one can see me. When I think about this, I am grateful for the nature of my current problems.
The morning light is caressing the walls and I feel completely safe. The day has just begun. My new life as well.