The weekend was magical. Johnny and I talked for six hours on Saturday. It is really possible to have a deep and meaningful relationship with someone on the other side of the world, it is just a matter of being creative and engaged in each other’s lives. As we were talking, Johnny suddenly said: “Merry Christmas Mia!” and for a moment I thought he had lost his mind. But then he sent me an email with screenshots of plane tickets to come and see me in December. “Ill be coming home for Christmas!”.
I was so surprised but happy. What a sweet and mischievous way of telling me. This time feels different. I have grown a lot since last time. I have accepted that he really loves me without feeling scared that is just a charade just because my previous relationships have been based on dubious attractions. Trust is so hard for me. Even yesterday my dentist said: “You always seem to believe that we are out to trick you and do things against your approval”. I guess he is right. I need to fix this, it is not a quality in myself that I like. It keeps me at a distance to people and a distance to life itself. Just like Johnny is now practicing the Swedish alphabet as the first step of learning Swedish so he can eventually move here, I am slowly learning the ABCs of trust. How to trust Johnny and his love, other people, life in general – and how to trust myself. All equally hard. But learning new things is always hard.