There is something beautiful in leaving old processes to begin new ones. The space in between is filled with growth and courage – and works like a bridge for the new challenge. It’s poetic. I’m leaving my old life behind. The life of a starving artist, trauma recovery and building a new home for myself.
I have made a list of all the new processes I have in motion right now (all 9 of them) and orginized them in order of priority. I know what I have to do next and where I am going. You could say that I’ve finally got my shit together, three years after the break up where I had lost everything including myself. It’s been two years with Johnny even though he’s been my best friend for more than four. I stated to paint again two years ago after the 6 years of creativity blockages. Life is the sum of all the experience and dreams you’ve ever had. The mistakes you’ve made are just as important as the creative visions of a future self. They are the gravity for who you were, who you are and who you will become.
I can see all three versions of myself so very clearly. Right now I’m not so full of regrets as I was last summer. I’ve accepted my past and closed the door to the shame, regret and blame. None of that is important now. I’ve wasted too much time on the wrong things and people. I can’t afford more wasting. After all – I only have one life. Only one future where I can make up for two decades of endless tears.