It wasn’t until I got to Stockholm that I realized how much my anxiety and fear still rule my life. I find it hard to do anything outside the comfort zone of my apartment and familiar routines, without a sense of being out of my depth or losing control. I haven’t always been like this. I really lost something very important in the house I lived in for almost half a decade in Stockholm. Perhaps that is why I keep going there in my dreams at night – looking for something. Maybe I found what I have been looking for, in this very realization itself. My tummy is constantly sore and bloated, I have to keep an impossible diet to keep it balanced. And my tummy is where my fear and anxiety live. A few years ago, I was dating a psychologist who said; “your body is a metaphor for your state of mind” – is my irritable bowel just a metaphor for my anxiety?
When did I become this anxious, so self intolerant and stressed? I guess it is the consequences of years of losing myself to other people’s expectations and never feeling like I am good enough – not to others or to myself. I am sad about this development and that I’ve become emotionally crippled somehow. I think much of this anxiety and fear comes from the fact that I am still broke. I feel utterly vulnerable in situations where most people don’t. I have grown out of this “state of emergency” that I found myself in after I left the man and his house in Stockholm, almost three years ago. A time where I didn’t know who I was anymore. A time where I didn’t have any place to go. I didn’t have any job or any money. I didn’t have any self esteem. I wasn’t making art. I was completely without a home, in every sense of the word. This is what I am trying to express in my new collection of works.
I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to reducing emotional stress and fear. I just need to keep pushing through it with confidence and courage. With will and determination. I don’t want my bowel to be the home to so much anxiety that it will control my life. I don’t want to feel vulnerable. I don’t want to be broke anymore. I don’t want to feel anxious because I have to be me outside my studio. I want to be me all the time – and be relaxed in it. I want to live – fully and completely. I want to celebrate life instead of feeling intimidated by it. I want to be friends with the world outside myself without losing myself to its pressure.
But I also have to accept that I have limitations, whether I like it or not.