I am in bed, eating grapes and working on my writing project. Missing Johnny. I am thinking about how much my life has changed in just a few months. Perhaps you have noticed it too.

I’ve got a little distance to the painful things in my past – and the distance is a great place to explore the past from a new perspective. I used to feel so stressed, all the time. Stress. Stress. Stress. Even if I’ve been deeply focused on my creativity lately and haven’t had time for anything else, I don’t feel stressed. I haven’t watched TV in a week. The apartment is a mess. But I have something more important to focus on right now. And I have been waiting for this moment for almost 7 years. SEVEN YEARS! Nothing or no one can ever come between me and my creativity ever again. Only dementia and death.

It is like everything is starting to come together now. My therapy notes have become the foundation on which I base both the new mythology in my art and the ideas for my writing project. To be a ‘crazy notebook lady’ turned out to be not so crazy after all. And it’s like things just click now. Old abandoned digital pieces are suddenly interesting to work on again.

The discovery I made this week, that my skills in PhotoShop have improved so much that I don’t really need to paint anymore because I can express myself the same way through my digital art, has unloaded a heavy weight on me. I don’t feel haunted by the thought that I need to hurry, hurry, hurry with the paintings still in progress. I have enough digital works for an art show. If I finish the paintings until it’s time for the art show it will be a nice bonus, but I don’t feel pressured to finish them.

I am eating grapes and feeling like the world is mine to conquer.


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