Shame

I am still recovering from the histamine headaches and I haven’t had the energy to work or write for a few days. However I need to go back to painting soon because I don’t want to lose any momentum. I also have some promotional work to do and I have to answer some interview questions for a French online magazine.

In the meantime, I’ve been making research about strategies to control my moods and state of mind. I think finding a way to get distance from things that makes me upset or sad – things that are draining my energy and stealing my focus. But how will I find distance to these things? It’s easier said than done. I have to disengage, disconnect and unfocus when it comes to negative situations and people, and that doesn’t come natural to me. But I think it’s healthy and good to learn how to be unaffected by negative events and energies.

skam

While making research about these things, I have been watching the Norwegian success series SKAM (Shame) just to see what the hoopla was all about –  and it’s really good. It makes me (feel really old) think about my own high school experience and how shame was such a big part of those years. You felt shame about your body, your behavior, the way you walked, talked, about how you lived, your parents, your sexuality and about how other people looked at you – or didn’t look at you. I wouldn’t want to go back to being a teen. It was damn hard.

Me during the last year of high school

graduation photo

In high school I was a loner but accepted in my class. I was dealing with a lot of difficult things at home and I spent the last year of high school taking all my classes at home because I was very ill due to psychological stress. It was the same year I met the abusive man. I would say that my life spiraled down from there. I lost my innocence at the age of 18, or perhaps life lost its innocence to me at that time. Since then my life has been difficult and hard but I’ve found a way back to love, happiness and inner peace. I feel very grateful. Whatever I lost back then, I have replaced with something new and extraordinary. I was 18 when it all started to fall apart and now I will be 38 in a couple of months and creating a new world for myself. And in between there were 20 years of suffering but also a journey to enlightenment and awakening. Who would I’ve become without those 20 years? Who would I be now without this journey of rediscovering myself? I am not remotely interested in the answer. Somehow, I wouldn’t want to change anything because the journey was necessary for me to become who I am today. I do feel a lot of regret looking back but at the same time I know that I could only be where I am today because of what I have survived.

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