A confusing process

The histamine headaches are bothering me again and I’m in bed trying to relax. I guess I’ve been eating something with high levels of histamines without noticing. Well, this gives me an excuse to catch up on my reading and to study art all day.

The headaches could also be connected to the process I’m going through right now. I don’t quite understand it myself at this moment, but it’s like the happier I am, the more anger I feel about things that I used to ignore or find acceptable. This is confusing and frustrating. While taking walks I find myself in a defensive mode and going back to situations where I’ve kept the anger inside, and in my mind I’m now recreating them but being strong and verbal. In reality, I didn’t say anything. I kept quiet and tried to be smooth and flexible so that the attacks would end quickly. I never wanted to make anything worse, so I wouldn’t stand up for myself when I really needed to.

I’ve talked about my issues with the lack of anger before but it seems like I’m dealing with them without putting too much work into it. It is an automatic response to my new self-compassion and feeling safe and strong within myself. I’m safe now to let it come out, a little at the time. This is also good practice, to learn how to stand up for myself and being more clear about my boundaries. So even if the anger comes from feeling genuinely happy and even if it’s uncomfortable to deal with the emotions that comes with it, it’s a positive process.

Both my mind and body are screaming “NO!” and “STOP IT!”. Like echoes from all those times when I didn’t speak up or when I allowed other people to hurt me. But like any other process, I will walk through it with grace until I’m on the other side.

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