I’m feeling trapped in my own body. I want out. I want to play. I want to do so many things. I’ve been sick for a long time now and I’m frustrated and restless. If I could escape my current situation somehow, I’d gladly do it. But I can’t. I have to hang on in there and wait it out. Do my best and hope for better times. The people around me are very supportive and I’m feeling loved, but I’m tired of needing that kind of support. I want to own my life – I don’t want to feel like I am only surviving it. I’m so hungry for life. I’m so eager to live it – fully and wholeheartedly. The position of surviving and overcoming a trauma doesn’t it me anymore and I feel uncomfortable in it. I am so ready to take on my future endeavors – if my health could only be a bit more stable. I believe this is a good frustration. Or at least, I’m fooling myself that it is.
It’s like I have everything – but at the same time I don’t have access to any of it until I’m feeling better. I’m waiting for an appointment with a dermatologist – but it can take up to 3 months until I’ll get it. When all this is over, I’ll be stronger and more free than I’ve ever been, because during this difficult time I’ve also had both closure and found a new self-acceptance and that’s the best investment I could do for myself. But – patience has never been my friend and I’m not known to go slow. But I am learning how to go with the flow of things instead of rushing it and getting stressed out. It is damn hard to do when I know I have so many good things waiting for me – on the other side.