It’s a stormy morning. But I feel calm on the inside. I’ve left the recent chaos behind, it disappeared when summer died. When I think about it, many things died this summer, so much fear, many distorted self-images and impossible fantasies. Good riddance. I feel lighter, but at the same time more grounded in myself. More present. I still don’t feel well enough to work with my art, but I can’t wait to start a new piece.
I hate that I have so many ideas but so little energy to make them happen. I need to find more ways to relax and charge the batteries. I can’t stand the idea of all those wonderful things always being stuck inside my mind and never expressed. I need to make sure that doesn’t happen.
From now on I will never let my past destroy my present again. It is the only poison I have in my life – my past. And it is no longer part of my reality and therefore shouldn’t be ruling my present. I’ve been careless with my thoughts and squandering my emotions on things which are out of my control. I’ve tried to fix my past by waiting for the broken pieces to come together, but now I am abandoning the pieces. They don’t fit anywhere, they never did. There’s a hole now, where they used to be, but I don’t feel broken because they are gone. I thought I would. I am able to breathe more easily now. But I feel very tired. And I miss Johnny.
I will continue to rest and charge my batteries. I will take a walk and I have an appointment at a massage parlor. I’m doing my best to find a way back to my strength that was stolen by this cruel summer.