This weekend has been nothing but a slow passage from my serious health problems to feeling better – the situation demanded my full focus and I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I got an allergic reaction to the penicillin and the symptoms were both surreal and torturous, among other symptoms; l couldn’t wear clothes or touch anything soft because my skin was so sensitive and reacted with goosebumps and the worst discomfort I’ve ever felt in my life at the slightest touch of fabric or even my own hair against my skin, which resulted in two sleepless nights. That’s something to add to my already exhausted mind. But – I’m still here, I’m moving forward and I’ve found a new inner strength that will carry me through all the physical hells I’ve been visiting lately. For the last three months, I’ve lost a tooth, 1/4 of my hair, my period (I’m not pregnant) and a lot of time and money, but I haven’t lost my spirit. Therefore, everything will be alright.
Every week I try to be positive and say that my health is finally improving, but then something happens and my health is collapsing once again. From now on I’m not gonna say anything and just let things happen. At least I’m moving forward in things and that’s all that matters. Even though it feels like I’m moving in slow motion. But nonetheless I’ve been keeping things in motion throughout this whole period of crappiness:
- I’ve found a new direction in my art
- I’ve found a way to accept the “unacceptable” from my past
- I’ve reconnected with my own body (well, the dramatic summer with all the health problems has forced me to, which is really positive)
- I’ve detached myself from my old audience and the need of their approval
- I’ve let go of self-sabotage once and for all
- I’ve found the blueprint to my “mental potency” and know exactly in which situations I lose it – and that’s great because now I know how to protect it
- I’ve understood that my creativity/imagination is my superpower and now I know how to use it instead of wasting it
- I’ve found a clear definition of who I am as an artist and what I want to achieve
- I’ve finally let love in
- I’ve stopped identifying myself with Lolita
And that’s quite an achievement. It’s been three shitty months, panic attacks and endless trips to different clinics and pharmacies, but it’s also three months of so many good things happening, while I’m fighting to feel healthy and happy again.
And I’ll keep fighting. No. Matter. what.