I keep waking up from strange dreams at night. Last night I was on a beach and I trimmed the horizon with a pair of scissors until it started to rain then I ran into a room with a kitten that held me hostage. Other times I wake up wondering where Johnny is and I call out his name until I realize he’s back in California. It is a confusing time of overlapping timelines – I’m looking back to find some kind of closure and acceptance of my past, and the future I want to share with Johnny seems so far away (that’s probably why I wanted to be able to trim the horizon) all while going through many changes in my present moment. It’s a blur of ‘then’s, ‘now’s and ‘later’s. Both me and my life is a work in progress and I have to accept that I will feel like this at times, bloody confused.
At least I know where I am now. I am here, the past is over there behind me and the future is in front of me. When you live with PTSD the timeline is different; the present moment is glued to the past and the future doesn’t really exist. But it doesn’t feel as confusing as this because then you only have one time to consider and it’s your past, almost like it’s carrying you through the timeline but not into the future but rather going round in circles instead.
When I started doing self-therapy work three years ago, I had no idea how much work it would be to clear out the timeline so I could see a horizon. But now I do and it looks spectacular. But it feels so far away. Unreachable. I guess I have more work to do to be able to feel like I will be able to reach it and all the wonderful colors it holds.