Ok, so I lied in one of the posts yesterday. I said “it’s not that I am full of doubts” but I guess that’s not completely true. I’ve been struggling with self doubt this week. I am not interested in coming off as a successful person on my blog. Someone who is always in control of her own destiny or knows exactly what she’s doing. I want to be real. Sincere. Honest. About what it’s like to be a person who’s overcome really shitty situations and who’s trying really hard to find a place in the world – a place of happiness and peace. A place where I can be creative and flourish as an artist and as a writer.
Living inside a trauma was hell, surviving the trauma was very hard, living without it is confusing. But I am doing my best, believe me. This is the true story about how I am working towards success and happiness. Some days I do the Alice-shrinking-thing and I feel small and anxious. Other days I feel very strong and focused. It’s all part of the same journey I am making to reach my goals and dreams – and I have accepted its ups and downs.
Unfortunately, it’s very easy for me to get sucked into Alice’s rabbit hole and end up feeling really small. But it’s never in any wonderland – instead it’s always in the ‘normality’ of reality. Normality scares me. It’s like a maze full of outside pressure, expectations and social rules which I don’t understand. I just want to be me in the world outside my own inner wonderland. But I have never been able to do that without getting lost somehow. I hope that one day I’ll learn how to find my way through the maze.