Life math

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There is something beautiful in leaving old processes to begin new ones. The space in between is filled with growth and courage – and works like a bridge for the new challenge. It’s poetic. I’m leaving my old life behind. The life of a starving artist, trauma recovery and building a new home for myself.

Goodbye old processes, you taught me so much. I am forever grateful.

 

I have made a list of all the new processes I have in motion right now (all 9 of them) and orginized them in order of priority. I know what I have to do next and where I am going. You could say that I’ve finally got my shit together, three years after the break up where I had lost everything including myself. It’s been two years with Johnny even though he’s been my best friend for more than four. I stated to paint again two years ago after the 6 years of creativity blockages. Life is the sum of all the experience and dreams you’ve ever had. The mistakes you’ve made are just as important as the creative visions of a future self. They are the gravity for who you were, who you are and who you will become.

I can see all three versions of myself so very clearly. Right now I’m not so full of regrets as I was last summer. I’ve accepted my past and closed the door to the shame, regret and blame. None of that is important now. I’ve wasted too much time on the wrong things and people. I can’t afford more wasting. After all – I only have one life. Only one future where I can make up for two decades of endless tears.

Photos from my birthday

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This camera (Canon EOS 50D) traveled all the way from California to Sweden as a birthday gift from Johnny – and he told me: “You are a digital artist without a camera. That’s not right. I believe in you and I see how much ideas you have for you work. I want you to be able to do them and to have more ideas and more creativity. I want you to have everything you need to get your visions out into the world and if the camera will help you do that – then it is the perfect present for you. “

That is true love

More photos from today:

Time for a new focus

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I feel like I have healed more in these last 6 months than I thought was possible. I have been so focused on my inner journey and finding the way back to my creativity – but I am here now. Healed. Home. Making art.

It is time for a new focus. And I want to use all the knowledge I have collected on this journey and return all the love I have received from you all during the worst years of my life. I am full of gratitude and love.

The Swedish writing project I am currently working on is a perfect beginning of this new focus – on helping others, through what I learned while helping myself. I used to believe it was up to me to help everyone in need – it was the psychological codependency nerve being triggered by people who needed help. But this new focus is different. It is healthy and constructive. It makes me feel like I didn’t go through my personal purgatory for nothing. I don’t look for meaning in religion or external signs. I create my own meaning by never letting my wounds define who I am but simply what I have survived.

The satisfaction of capturing the right expression

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Painting “The Mask”, 2009.

I am positively exploding of creativity and imagination in my art right now.

But I get overwhelmed and fatigued at times. It is such a satisfactory feeling to be able to capture the images and ideas that pops up from nowhere in my mind. I call them “spiritual sketches” because they are like visions born in another dimension of my consciousness. I can’t describe how they are formed or how come they match my style so I can capture them precisely as they look inside my head. All I know is that it makes me feel free and powerful in a way. I am free to create my own worlds on my own terms – my way. I just have to stay true to my spiritual sketches.

I have the luxury of having thousands of pages in my therapy notebooks and diaries, filled with raw material for my two new collection of works. I am refining my personal mythology and adding to it, little by little every day, just by studying my own notebooks. I can see how I’ve had some ideas in mind for years, but it’s first now that I can turn them into art. Sometimes ideas has to grow and mature before they are ready to be explored and turned into an artistic expression. Timing is an important factor when you are making art based on your own experiences and emotions. You need enough distance so you can explore and study the emotions without getting caught in them – but you can’t be too removed so you can’t connect to it anymore. The balance fascinates me.

My morning with Mozart and a Lolita demon

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I am sharing this morning with Mozart and a Lolita demon in Photoshop. My style is changing and I can hardly sleep at night because I am so excited and filled with new ideas. I feel deeply in love with my art right now. It is like a lover calling for me whenever I am not creating. Like a compulsion or an obsession, I just have to create, create. create, otherwise I would almost get sick and die. I know this because it happened to me in the house in Stockholm. I have 14 pieces in progress at the moment – and I know it sounds crazy and perhaps it is, but they have been stuck inside me for many years and now I am finally ready to let it all out. I guess my former therapist was right when she said; “your creativity blockage is like a mental constipation, I think that is why you are having the recurring nightmare about pooping in public places. It is a wishful dream. All you want to do is to get ‘your shit’ out there for the world to see.”