Odd selfies

My top 50 favorite movies

In this post I’ve combined two of my biggest passions – movies and list-making (both excellent distractions when you are fighting anxiety).

The airport scene from Terry Gilliam’s 12 Monkeys (1995) where the the child version of Cole witness himself being killed as an adult man.

There’s no secret that I am quite obsessed with watching movies and TV-series and I could list more than 100 favorites right off the bat, but I thought it would be enough with the top 50 of my favorite movies in this list:

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Before Sunrise 
  1. 12 Monkeys
  2. The Game
  3. Rope
  4. Autumn Sonata
  5. All About Eve
  6. Melancholia
  7. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
  8. Mulholland Drive
  9. Brief Encounter
  10. Fanny and Alexander
  11. Another Woman
  12. The Ring (US version)
  13. The Breakfast Club
  14. Midnight in Paris
  15. The Birds
  16. The Commitments
  17. Little Women
  18. Singin’ in the Rain
  19. Nymphomaniac
  20. Vertigo
  21. Bram Stoker’s Dracula
  22. Manhattan Murder Mystery
  23. Julie & Julia
  24. Eyes Wide Shut
  25. The Piano Teacher
  26. All the President’s Men
  27. Edward Scissorhands
  28. The Before Sunrise/Sunset/Midnight trilogy
  29. Vicky Christina Barcelona
  30. Cry Baby
  31. Amadeus
  32. Mermaids
  33. The Money Pit
  34. Boogie Nights
  35. Festen (The Celebration)
  36. Roman Holiday
  37. The Lovely Bones
  38. The Nanny Diaries
  39. Notting Hill
  40. The Social Network
  41. Vanilla Sky
  42. Lust och Fägring Stor (All Things Fair)
  43. Goodfellas
  44. Flicka och Hyacinter (Girl with Hyacinths)
  45. Dead Man
  46. Adventures in Babysitting
  47. Beetlejuice
  48. Closer
  49. Waterloo Bridge
  50. Deliverance

Lighter

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I’m so tired. But it feels so good. I’m finally beginning to relax. My body has been so tense for too long. I feel lighter somehow, more grounded in myself. The anxiety is leaving me, like a flock of heavy birds. I will never take anything about myself, for granted again. Not my health, my body nor my mental state. I’ve learned just how vulnerable I am in this life. Being so close to giving up makes you both even more vulnerable but also stronger, because you know that you got through it and learned a lot from the experience. I didn’t give up. I kept moving forward, even when it felt like I was stuck. And I’m more connected to my body now, I’ve rediscovered it like it was just handed to me. It is a beautiful thing.

I have some ideas about new paintings that I want to try out. I’m sure it will feel different this time since I’m so much more present in my own body. Perhaps the disconnection has been part of the problem and why it hasn’t felt completely right when I’m painting.

The first morning

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I woke up to the first real autumn morning of the year. The leaves on the trees outside my window had changed their colors over night. Even though my health is still poor, I feel better, less affected by the physical suffering somehow. It is the first morning in many ways.

I’m still fighting with the clinics to get the right treatment. I feel disappointed in our health care system – I’m just being tossed around by the clinics and different doctors. All this is stealing from my energy and focus, but it needs to be done. I’m not gonna stop fighting until my health is under control.

I can’t wait to get back to creating art again. It feels like it was forever, but it hasn’t been that long. In a way it’s been good to be without it, I’ve let my imagination rest for a while, the ideas are more clear, less cluttered with details in my mind. I know exactly where I am gong from here. I’ll let the autumn leaves carry me there.